Tilt
by SuddenlySandi
Summary: Can a squiggle and a Lemniscates make a marriage work and have a child? Will Edward, ah, learn to trust women and will Bella finally learn to listen *SEQUEL To The Cube* SDFreeze Story AH
1. Chapter 1

Name: Tilt

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter: 1

**Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight Characters, no matter how weird I make them.**

* * *

Chapter 1

We all stood around the hospital bed and stared down at the baby lying in Rosalie's arms. It was so ugly, but in a cute just fought its way out of her vagina, kind of way. The baby had potential, a little bow stuck to her bald head, a cute frilly dress, a large black dot over her father's face in the family portrait, yeah she could be cute with a little work.

"Are you and Edward going to start a family?" Rosalie asked, because she was still doped up from childbirth.

Edward, ah, looked at me with a hopeful expression and I snorted at him. I had lost my car keys, I left my purse in the Wal-Mart parking lot, and I still opened the closet door instead of the bathroom door during the night when I got out of bed to pee. I was not ready to take on the responsibility of another human being. Just naming a baby would be so difficult, I mean, how do you stick someone with a name when they are not even able to tell you if it feels right or not?

"What did you name her?" I asked Rosalie and hoped it was something Emmett could spell.

We named her Emma, after her daddy," Rose said with pride and I felt tears fill my eyes. The poor, poor baby, she would spend her life knowing she was purposefully named after Dumbo. I planned to tell her as soon as she could speak that she was actually named after Queen Emma of Hawaii. It would make her life so much easier.

Alice ran her tiny fingers over Queen Emma's bald crown and I worried about the large diamond on her finger denting the baby's head.

"Don't touch her," I yelled and everyone turned to look at me. "She's new, let her be new for a little while," I said and wished everyone would stop looking at me.

"I've already fed her before you came, you can all hold her," Rose said and held up the pink bundle. "My nipples are actually quite sore, so someone please take her."

Edward, ah, turned red at the mention of Rose's nipples and I wondered why my nipples never got him flustered. Maybe it was the fact Rose's nipples were now mother nipples and not just woman nipples. When I stopped with the whole nipple evaluation I saw Edward, ah, sitting in a chair holding Quasi Moto's child.

He looked so natural, and so happy, and so ready for his own baby, so I quickly rushed over to take the baby from him. He held his hands under Emma as if I would drop her or purposefully throw her down. I tried to ignore him and looked at Queen Emma's face. She was all red and smushed and her eyes seemed sewn shut. Then she yawned, and her lips puckered as she settled showing two deep dimples which looked so much better on her than her dimple assed father.

"Ah, she's so cute," I said and finished my thought about how shocking it was in my head.

The door opened and Mr. and Mrs. Hale walked in to see their blue collar granddaughter. When they found out about the baby, Rosalie's mom spent days making a gorgeous nursery for her. But I spent just as much time trying to rid the former Stanley house of the evil whore curse I was afraid would exist in there. I burnt candles, made fetishes, and used cleansing chants to scare off the ghost of Jessica.

I handed the child to Mrs. Hale and out of all her expensive stuff she seemed to like this the most. She cried and kissed the baby's head repeatedly, making her no longer new. Rose's father walked over to kiss his daughters cheek and asked, "How are you, Rosie?"

"Her nipples are sore and it makes Edward, ah, uncomfortable," I answer and the room became quiet.

"We're leaving now," Edward, ah, said and took my hand to lead me from the room.

We were walking down the hallway when Rose's baby daddy came into view. He was dressed in his uniform and had a gun strapped to his side. I'm sure there was at least one time he tried to piss with his gun and put his dick in the holster, but I doubt he would ever admit it.

"Your daughter's beautiful," Edward, ah, told him.

"Thanks, I'm scared to death, man, she's so tiny," Emmett said and Edward, ah, patted him on the back.

Only Emmett would think Rose would give birth to a full sized person, although I'm pretty sure he was born full sized.

We got in our car and Edward, ah, turned to look at me. "Bella, I think next summer would be a good time to start trying for a baby. It would be after Jasper and Alice's wedding and we would have a better sense of both clubs financial outlooks, although I have money anyway."

I rearranged the words to say, "After Jasper and Alice get married the clubs outlook would be better so we should try for more money, baby."

"Don't be greedy, Edward, ah," I said and looked out the window as he chuckled to himself.

A baby, wow, another person to take care of everyday and every night, and they can't even talk for the first…what…five or ten years. I mean, of course they can talk, but nobody pays attention. I remember my father taking me to fishing when I was small. He would tell me the fish were afraid of voices so I couldn't talk.

That was when I realized most of the world was just a big fish bowl, with people afraid of voices and wanting squiggles like me not to talk.

We pulled out of the hospital parking lot and drove to the pizza parlor for dinner. It was a rare occasion we got to eat dinner together since Edward, ah, was usually at the club by this hour. He took my hand and we sat in the very back so I could rub my non sore nipples against his arm.

"Are you happy, Bella?" he asked me. It was something he asked at least once a week and I never had a moment when the answer wasn't yes.

"I'm very happy because this," I pointed at his heart, "and this," I cupped his dangler, "are mine."

He smiled and pulled my mouth to his. There is nothing better than kissing surrounded by the smell of pizza. It made several body parts hungry at the same time. "We should have sex as we eat pizza," I suggested with enthusiasm.

"Here?" he asked with wide eyes.

"No, not here," I said and smacked his arm. "God, I'm not Jessica." He gave me a disgusted look and I only shrugged. "Sorry, but once you go to the dark side it can be used against you at anytime."

There was a loud noise coming from a large group of people entering the restaurant. I looked over to see Jake, barf, and his posse coming in to eat. I groaned and Edward, ah, looked over and then groaned, too. This was the problem with living too close to Forks, you always ran into someone you didn't want to see.

Jake, barf, looked over at us and Edward, ah, turned away. "Hey Bella, looks like you were able to hold on to this one," Jake, barf, said.

I glanced at his friend Embry, who was prettier than any man had a right to be, and said, "Yeah, looks like you did, too."

Jake, barf, grew angry and said loudly, "Everyone who's fucked Stanley raise their hand." The entire table he was with raised their hands and Jake, barf, turned to Edward, ah, and motioned for him to lift his hand, too.

"You idiot," I yelled to Jake, barf. "That would be like asking who here drinks water. So let's try a better question. Who here actually gave her a real orgasm, instead of having her fake it?"

The table of men looked at each other with apprehension and Edward, ah, smiled as he raised his hand high into the air. I laughed, not because I found it funny, but because Jake, barf, looked so damn worried. I think it was the first time he realized men could 'give' a woman an orgasm. He lost his virginity years ago, but just now became a man.

We took our pizza to go, since dining with the Jessica sex club was not worth our rare night out and I wanted to put my pizza-sex theory to the test. Edward, ah, drove toward Port Angeles until I began nibbling on his ear and running my hand down his chest and into his pants. He pulled onto an obscure service road and turned off the engine.

I pulled up my skirt, finally prepared for spur of the moment sex, and removed my panties, which Edward, ah, quickly put in his glove box. He moved his seat back and I climbed onto his lap as I held out a slice of pizza for him.

Just as he took a bite I connected us and my loud moaning covered the sound of him chocking. I thought my guy was so happy he was speechless. My eyes were closed as I concentrated on the feel of him and I smiled when I heard him pounding on his chest. He was especially active this time, moving in quick thrusts which almost tossed me off of him.

He had never been like this and I was really feeling things in all the right places as I marveled at his creativity. I grabbed onto the seat just over his shoulders and let my hair fall to his chest. He grabbed a fist full of my hair and pulled so hard I yelled out. It was then I saw his eyes bugging out as he pointed to his mouth and struggled to breathe.

I am an awful, awful person. I actually took the time to decide if I wanted to finish…since I was really close and it was going to be a doozie, or if I wanted to save my guy. If I chose the mind-blowing orgasm, it would be a onetime thing, but if I saved him, the possibility of more pizza sex loomed in my future. I chose my guy.

I jumped off of him and he sat up as I pounded furiously on his back. He was finally able to dislodge the pizza bite and cough it up as he gasped for air. My spirit soared until I noticed his spirit, along with other parts of him, were down.

I thought Edward, ah, only cussed during sex, but I was stunned at his 'brush with death' vocabulary. I wonder if pizza had ever been referred to as, mutha effing slices of effing shiit…with two I's?

I nodded my head as if I agreed and kept quiet about his choking prowess. He finally calmed down and let his body fall back onto the seat as he covered his eyes with his fingers. I'm sure he thought the day could not get any worse, but he would have been wrong.

Flashing lights came on and Edward, ah, frantically began pulling up his pants. He tried to bring the seat back up at the same time he pulled up his zipper…big mistake. When the officer walked up to the driver side window he found Edward, ah, staring up at him in tears.

"Is there a problem?" Ben asked and I leaned my head over and smiled.

"Hi, Ben."

"Oh, hi Bella, I just wanted to make sure there wasn't a problem with your vehicle," he said and glanced into the back seat at the pizza boxes.

"We're just eating our pizza," I smiled and Edward, ah, let out a big breath of air he had been holding since catching a small amount of dangler skin in his zipper.

Ben looked at Edward's, ah, tears and back at me. "Are you two fighting?"

"No," I said with a laugh. "You don't have pizza sex if you're fighting."

"Bella," crying Edward, ah, said, "I'll handle this." He looked back at the officer and said, "I was choking on a piece of pizza and loosened my pants to breathe. When I pulled the zipper back up I caught myself."

Ben's eyes got large and he looked at Edward, ah, in sympathy before saying, "Do you need any medical assistance?"

"No, I just need you to step away so I can take care of it," Edward, ah said with a strained voice.

Ben quickly stepped away and turned his back so Edward, ah, could lie back down and unhook himself. I quickly leaned over to see how much damage was done and sighed at the sight of the missed opportunity.

Ben came back to the car and asked to see Edward's, ah, license and registration. He reached for the glove box and opened it to reveal my panties so I quickly took them and began putting them back on. Ben looked at the documentation and handed it back to Edward, ah, and said, "Why don't you two go home and spend your evening indoors."

"Yes, that's a great idea," Edward, ah, said and I leaned over to look at Ben.

"Don't tell my dad, or I'll tell your wife about you and Stanley."

He nodded guiltily and quickly returned to his squad car. Edward, ah, looked at me and finally asked, "How do you know he was with Jessica?"

"I didn't, but I played the odds."

We drove home, letting the pizza and other things grow cold.


	2. Chapter 2

Name: Tilt

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter: 2

**Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight Characters, no matter how weird I make them.**

* * *

Chapter: 2

I tried to encourage Edward, ah, to sing as much as possible at the club. If it was a busy night with a lot of singers he wouldn't take the stage, but on slow nights he often spent close to an hour singing his material. I loved to hear him sing, as he sat on the squiggle stage under the soft lights, using his deep voice to get my body all worked up.

His talent was spreading by word of mouth and the club became filled with female patrons all waiting for him to take the stage. I didn't worry, they were all squares and Edward, ah, had no desire to return to that pain again.

Tonight he wasn't in the mood to sing, even though the club was slow and quiet. I felt it was the zipper incident keeping him bent over the bar instead of standing proudly at the microphone. When it came time to close up I realized he hadn't talked at all to me the entire night.

I felt nervous and walked over to see him looking over the books. "Hey," I called out and smiled when he looked up. "I missed you tonight."

"I've been right here," he said and went back to the books.

"Are you mad at me?" I asked him and began to really worry. He sat back in the chair and closed his eyes for a moment so I walked closer and sat on the edge of the desk. "Edward, ah, if I did anything to upset you, I'm sorry."

"Bella, I want a family and a house and all the things I'm afraid you don't want. I'm terrified we're too different and want different things," he said sadly.

My heart began beating wildly. My lemniscates was turning into a square and it made me want to cry. I couldn't live without Edward, ah, but it would kill me to be a square. I finally said, "I want a family and a home too, just not right now. I just turned twenty three, we have lots of time."

He held out his hand for me and I rushed to sit on his lap. I loved his lap and not just because it was attached to more interesting places, but because his long legs made a great lap…and because it was attached to more interesting places.

"You'll be a wonderful mother," he said as he kissed my neck.

"Can we have a circular crib?" I asked and he moaned in the affirmative. "Can we name the baby, Budge?" I pressed and he lifted his head to look at me.

"Budge?"

"Yeah, you know how people say, 'Don't Budge,' well, our child could Budge all he wanted because his name would be Budge."

"Sure, we can name him Budge," Edward, ah, said and I felt my uterus get all tingly.

Maybe I was more ready than I thought and having a baby would be the perfect thing, but I suddenly remembered a doll I had as a child and I cut it open to see what made it cry. Vision of slicing open my baby came into my mind and I instantly decided now was not the time for baby Budge. I would concentrate on a house first.

"Do you want to live in Port Angeles?" I asked him and prayed he didn't say Forks.

"Sure, I like it here. We can look at some land and have a house designed it you want."

"Yes," I said, suddenly very excited to make my perfect squiggle house. I would become the next Frank Lloyd Wright and people would come from all over the world to pay homage to my squiggle. "But can we keep the houseboat, too. It has so many great memories."

"Yes, love, memories of my constant vomiting should be saved," he said with a chuckle and I finally realized how unhappy he had been on our floating abode.

I put my head on his chest and sighed, "Sing to me."

He placed his hand on my head and ran his fingers through my hair as he sang, "Hush, little baby don't say a word. Daddy's gonna buy you a mocking bird."

I felt tears in my eyes as he continued singing softly with his throaty voice. I loved him more than I could express and at that moment I wanted to gouge out Susan's eyes for kissing him at our wedding.

I woke up at noon and heard Edward, ah, on the phone. He was talking loudly and seemed very excited about something. I put on a robe, incase his conversation was with someone on the boat and not on the phone, I wasn't making that mistake again.

He waved me over when our eyes met and I skipped up to his smiling face and let him wrap his arm around me. "I'll talk with my wife and give you a call," Edward, ah, said. He hung up and lowered his face to give me a kiss.

"I like it when you call me your wife," I admitted and he smiled widely. His hands came inside my robe and pulled me against his body.

"I like it when you have nothing on under your robe," he admitted and I smiled widely. I let my hands follow the same path as his and settle on his perfect butt. "I want to show you some land today."

"Call it whatever you want," I teased and he raised his eyebrows with interest.

"Mrs. Cullen, are you trying to seduce me?" he asked. Yeah, my guy was really slow to the trigger. Jessica had him hog tied to the bed frame before he realized he had been simply next in line.

"I'm trying really, really hard to seduce you, is it working?"

He suddenly bent to wrap his arms around my legs and picked me up off the ground and over his shoulder. We collapsed onto our bed together and I laughed when he pulled off the robe and tossed it onto the floor. Naughty, Naughty robe.

After my limbs turned to putty and his hand was red from banging on the wall over the bed we decided to shower and head out to see where our perfect house would be built. It was outside the town limits and toward Forks, I was beginning to think my guy had some sort of internal magnet that drew him to the stupid town.

We drove to the spot covered in trees and when he let the dogs out to run I stood and closed my eyes to envision the perfect house with kids running around in the yard. I opened my eyes when the kids began fighting and I was screaming for them to wait until their father got home.

"Oh my God, Edward, ah, our kids are brats," I gasped loudly and he only smiled. I guess having bratty kids with me would be preferable to having little sluts with Jessica.

"I can get a great deal on this lot, but you have to be open minded when I tell you the rest of the deal, okay?" I was a squiggle, I was so open minded my mind almost fell out of my skull, many times. I waited to hear the rest of the deal I had to be open minded about, before I committed to being open minded.

"I can only get this land if I take a package deal, and someone else would build next to us."

No wonder the kids were fighting, they weren't all our kids. The neighbors were the brats and mine were simply defending themselves. "As long as it isn't that damn Rockette hanging on to dear life, I'm good with having neighbors," I told him and he looked a bit nervous.

Hum…why would Edward, ah, look nervous about the possibility of having neighbors? I mean, he bought the Stanley house and that is as low as you can go, unless it was Emmett…."Oh my God," I screamed at him. "You expect me to live next to Emmett?"

"You love Rose," Edward, gah, tried to soften me with. It was like telling the down winders in Nevada not to think about the cancer, just think about the pretty mushroom clouds the nuclear tests made. I was open minded but I wasn't brain dead. Emmett as a neighbor was not something I would agree to, ever.

I walked back to the car and sat inside with my fingers in my ears. It was juvenile, I know, but we were talking about Emmett! His smell alone would kill any flowers I planted. Granted all men find their ass air amusing, but his was deadly.

Edward, gah, walked to the car and kneeled down next to my seat. "Bella, love, this is an amazing deal that is too good to pass up. Mr. Hale would be the partner on the land, not Emmett."

"But he would build a house for Rose, wouldn't he?" I pointed out so he knew I wasn't stupid, but damn, now he knew I could hear him, so I let my fingers fall from my ears.

"You can always hope Emmett gets shot," he said to encourage me just a bit, but in Forks he would have to shoot himself with his own gun…hey, there was hope after all.

"Can our house have its back to theirs, like a house ass they have to look at?" I asked as I felt my resolve melting.

"Do you really want Emmett to have access to our houses ass?" Edward, gah, asked and I really saw his point.

I glanced around the property and saw there were a lot of trees and maybe we could block off the sight of their house, but when people asked where we lived and we had to say, "Next to the McCarty's," it would be so humiliating. And did I really want my kids playing with ugly Emma? I would be afraid they would show her where I had to stitch them back up after trying to find out how they cried and she would tell her Big Mac father and I would be arrested.

"Bella," Edward, gah, said and reached up to wipe away a tear, "You're talking in your head again."

I looked at my wonderful husband who loved me unconditionally, even after I almost killed him with pizza sex. I would do anything to make him happy, so I nodded and said, "Let's go for it."

He smiled and pulled me to his lips, kissing me over and over again, so happy to be getting off the boat soon. I got back out of the car and we walked around the property, choosing which lot we wanted and which scrap of land to give to Gulliver. Hoser and Sami were running around in pure bliss, telling me they weren't too keen on the boat either.

I began sketching my dream home as soon as we got back in the car. Edward, bordering between ah, and gah, kept watching me to make sure I wasn't drawing a house that looked like a bowl of spaghetti.

I could see it perfectly in my mind. It had a big porch going all the way around the house and wide stairs leading to the porch. Each end on the front of the house had big windows covering the circular walls giving it an English castle look. Stained glass windows were above the square windows and their wavy pattern would be subtle but so crucial.

"I absolutely love it," Edward, ah, said and took my hand to kiss my fingers.

I then drew the side of the house, the side facing Goliath's property. I placed a tall narrow door in the middle and thin tall windows in a line next to both sides of the door, essentially giving him the finger to stare at all day.

"We'll work on that one," Edward, gah, said and I give him a live version of the finger.

I was adamant about no straight hallways or totally square rooms. The floor plan was open and Edward's office was shaped like a stop sign. The bedrooms all had angles and slants, which the architect insisted caused wasted space, but space was never wasted when it gave a house a way to breathe and giggle.

Rose's house was one giant square, because she was a square and Emmett was a giant. Both houses were ready to break ground when it was time to fly to Atlanta for Jasper and Alice's wedding. I had never been to the south and after meeting the Whitlocks I was a bit afraid to show my squiggly northern ass in Atlanta.

Edward, ah, assured me it would be just like Seattle only hot and humid instead of cold and humid. I wasn't so sure and wanted to bring a corset just in case I was forced into a ball gown. I played with ugly Emma on the flight, dang if she wasn't getting pretty cute, and I didn't have the urge to cut her open once.

We were making our way off the plane when Edward, ah, whispered in my ear, "After this trip, no more birth control pills."

Man, I'm really gonna miss having sex with him.


	3. Chapter 3

Name: Tilt

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter: 3

**Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight Characters, no matter how weird I make them.**

* * *

Chapter: 3

I giggled the entire time we rented a car. Every word out of the woman's mouth made me laugh. She sounded so sweet when she asked if we wanted, 'inshowaunts' for the 'caw'. I bet her stats were the highest in the company with her voice that sounded like shuga and huney.

Edward, gah, told me it wasn't nice to laugh, and I wasn't laughing at her, I was laughing at how much I wanted to sound like her. Until Emmett began using a southern twang, then I just wanted to vomit.

We drove to our hotel and met up with Jasper and Alice. She was so hyper and running her mouth from one idea to the next. Now I know why the Whitlocks wanted a southern girl, northern girls talked too fast, and were quite annoying.

Rose was hanging on every word Alice said, since she got a drive thru wedding in Vegas. Emmett was playing with ugly, turning cute, Emma, and I watched Jasper and Edward, gah, talking to each other. They had a bond that was like brothers. When Jasper ran his fingers through his hair and let out a loud rush of air, Edward, ah, put his hand on Jasper's shoulder and said, "This is the best decision of your life, enjoy every moment."

I opened my purse and pulled out my birth control pills and handed them to the young lady walking past our table. I guess she already had some because her mother pulled them out of her hand and dropped them in the trash by the door. I would get right on the baby Budge project, since my guy felt marriage was the best decision of his life….of course he thought it three times, but it was only because he was a lemniscates.

Jasper looked at us all and said, "We're having a rehearsal dinner at my parent's house tonight. It will be formal so you need…"

"I told you I needed a corset," I yelled at Edward, gah, and Alice quickly covered my mouth with her tiny hand.

"I have a dress for Bella," she told the crowd and everyone seemed to relax.

We finally all left for our rooms and as soon as the door was shut I jumped on Edward, ah, and kissed him passionately. He walked forward trying to find the bed so he didn't end up dropping me onto the floor. Sex felt different, and I realize I took a pill that morning, but since I knew there wouldn't be any more pills taken, it felt different.

I'm sure you don't need to have the sperm directly implanted in the fallopian tube to get pregnant, I mean, sperm are Olympic swimmers, but I wasn't taking any chances and pounded Edward's dangler like it was made of steel. He was all for it at the moment but when I fell to my side he cried out in pain, not profanity.

"Shit, Bella, were you trying to tickle your tonsils," he said and held his precious parts in his hand gently.

"I thought you wanted a baby?" I said and wondered if ugly Emma was making him change his mind.

"You'll never get pregnant by punishing my balls, and you just stopped taking your pills, these things take time," he said to enlighten me.

"How do you know, I could be…." I couldn't finish my thought because I knew how he knew and it was too disturbing to contemplate. I had never been jealous over his relationship with Jessica because I never thought of her as anything more than a disease forming in a Petri dish. But this was too much.

I got up quickly and went right to the shower, not to wash off anything of Edward's, gah, but to cry without his knowledge. But my guy was too smart for the screw and run. He followed me and opened the shower door to stand with his sad, guilty face.

"Bella, I was trying to save my marriage, it was desperation not something I wanted out of love. I want you to have my babies, because I fell in love with you long before I looked over at your cube. I used to listen to you talk to your friends and I loved how unique you were. I can't thank God enough for not giving me children with Tanya and Jessica."

"What if I'm not a good mother?" I whispered and hoped the noise of the shower would keep fate from hearing my fear.

"The moon would have to become square for that to even be a possibility," he said because he was pretty much perfect.

"I'm sorry I hurt your dangler," I said with as much heartfelt sorrow as I could muster.

"Love, you can say the word penis," he said with a smile and got in the shower with me.

We showed up on time at the Whitlock's manor. It was a huge estate, with a sprawling lawn on a street with large trees shading the road. "Oh wow," Rose said, "I want to redesign my house."

I looked at the square and huffed. The only thing remotely likeable about the house was the large pillars across the front, and the rest was just a white square.

We walked to the back yard to find a large tent filled with so many southern people I worried about the south seceding. Everyone called me darlin, and flowa, and I was beginning to feel like a pretty darlin flowa by the end of the night.

Jasper stood with a glass of champagne and turned to tiny Alice. "I watched ya frowm the moment you came to work at Cullen Carporashun." Yeah, he starred at her constantly like she was an appetizer for a cannibal.

"I'll always rememba ahwer first night togetha, you stowl my heart darlin," More like she ruined his table, but whatever.

"Do me the awna of becoming my wife tomorra." Alice jumped up and fell into his arms as he kissed her in a gentlemanly way. I hope Edward, ah, never kisses me like that. I mean, why have legs if you can't use them to climb up your man's body?

Everyone clapped because it was what was required when you sit in a tent and listen to a man sink deeply into his accent and declare his love for a northern woman. Alice took the microphone next and I was sure it would be much more understandable.

"Jasper, I dreamed of you and wished for you." More like she masturbated to his picture but maybe southern women don't do that. "We had a rocky start," she said and glanced at me. What the hell, they were together because of me! "But my entire heart belongs to you, forever." Okay, the last part was good.

Alice handed the microphone to Edward and he stood, causing my eye line to be at his zipper. I wanted to give him a soft squeeze and make sure his dan…penis was okay. The crowd suddenly laughed, crap, did I say penis outloud? I'm sure it was said differently in the south, maybe 'peanis' or 'penus'. Edward sat down and I looked at him as everyone clapped.

"I'll tell you what I said later," he whispered and I just loved my guy so damn much.

Alice looked at me with hesitation, and Jasper's mother looked like she just developed a case of the vapors. The entire tent was holding its collective breath and when Alice's short arm began moving the microphone toward me Rosalie grabbed it from her and stood.

"Are you insane?" she said quickly to Alice and turned to face the audience. "Jasper was so professional at work and never gave a hint he had feelings for Alice. When they finally got together it was so obvious how much they loved one another. I wish them both nothing but happiness."

When Rose said down I grabbed the microphone from her hand. "I wasn't going to talk about them having sex on the kitchen table on their first date," I said angrily…oops…the microphone was indeed in my hand and the clapping had stopped.

Alice broke into tears and I tried to cover by saying, "I mean, me, I had sex with Jasper on his table on our first date." I looked at Edward, ah, and gasped loudly. "No, I didn't cheat, I was with you in my bed doing it twice, and Alice screwed Jasper on the kitchen table."

"Dude, way to go," Emmett said loudly and I realized I needed to get rid of the microphone as soon as possible. The Brandons, which were originally Branduns gave me a shocked expression but the Whitlocks looked like I would be burned in Atlanta. I hung my head, realizing I had indeed turned into Emmett, so I might as well live by him.

Ugly Emma began fussing and I took her from Rose and left the tent. I'm sure everyone was much happier with me gone so I stayed on the porch swing with the baby while the evening continued on. I heard a sound and looked behind me to see my gorgeous husband walking toward the swing. His hands were in his pockets and he had a smile on his face.

"I don't know why I do that," I said as I took a deep breath.

"You're an open book, that's why. And I only love you more for it," Edward, ahmazing, said.

"Do you want to hold her?" I asked when he sat next to me.

"Sure," he said and took her into his arms. She smiled up at him and Edward, ah, laughed with joy.

I leaned my head on his shoulder and sighed so he called me on it. "What are you thinking, Bella?"

"There are so many things that can go wrong. I mean, just thinking about getting pregnant made me hurt your dan…penis. There is pregnancy, childbirth, feedings, baths, school, bikes, cars, college…"

Edward, gah, laughed loudly and I looked up at him to see if he was laughing at me. "Love, I married Jessica Stanley, do you think anything could scare me now?"

He got me to laugh and I held my hands out for ugly Emma and she reached for me. "You are so cute, ugly Emma," I said and Edward, ah, chuckled.

"Maybe Budge will date her," Edward, stupid gah, said. I didn't care that Rose was my best friend and she was visually gorgeous. The daughter of the steroid king wasn't getting anywhere near my Budgie.

"He'll date Jasper's daughter," I said as a compromise. "Because she'll most likely let Budge do her on a table."

"Jasper's daughter it is," Edward, ah, said and kissed my cheek.

We were way too inappropriate to have children.

We all showed up the next day at the old mansion for the wedding. Alice walked down a huge staircase with a dress that weighed more than she did. It was cream colored and I was sure the Whitlocks insisted it not be white after hearing about her love of kitchen furniture.

She carried long stemmed white roses tied with antique lace and she was absolutely stunning. Jasper waited at the other end of the granite hall dressed in a classic black tux, because life wasn't fair and men could screw all they wanted before marriage. Who did people think men were screwing if all the women were supposed to be virgins? Aw, now I get the whole Eric working his hips thing.

When they walked past me slowly, Alice's father gave me a dirty look, probably upset he had to pay for a cream wedding gown. I stuck out my tongue at him because his daughter would be another battle Jasper won on his table if I hadn't shown her how to win the war.

Edward put his arm around me protectively and I wanted to try for a baby again right there in the old mansion. But it would be awkward when Edward began pounding his hand on the pew and screaming about his effing cock.

We really, really needed to give this whole baby thing more consideration.


	4. Chapter 4

Name: Tilt

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter: 4

**Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight Characters, no matter how weird I make them.**

* * *

Chapter: 4

The last night on our boat was bittersweet. All of our things had been packed and we threw an old blanket on the bed to sleep on. It had been our home for ten months, but it felt like two. Esme wanted to help me pick out furniture for our house, but she kept talking about clean lines and classic pieces. I wanted a luv sack and rain lamp.

Edward, ah, let me pick a table from the club for our own kitchen table and our granite countertops had a slight S shape, which apparently makes the dang thing cost three times the price, but my guy loves me so S shaped it is.

The hardest room to furnish was the nursery. We didn't have any pending arrival to prepare for, but since we were battling over furniture we decided to get it all over with at once. I found a crib that was peanut shaped for twins, but all I saw was the lemniscates, so of course I had to have it.

I love rocking chairs. They look like a chair with a secret, taunting you to sit and then, wee, it leans you back. Life should be full of nothing but rocking chairs. I didn't want our child to be alone so I found siblings online to put in frames on the wall. I tried to pick better this time, since my sisters turned out to be quite the little bitches.

Colors for the nursery tuned into a big the battle. Edward, gah, wanted blue for a boy, or pink for a girl. I felt it was insisting our child be defined by a color and he or she should be free to be pink as a boy, and blue as a girl. Did you know men think the color pink has the power to turn a baby gay?

Blue never turned a girl lesbian, but pink must have something extra in the pigmentation that somehow drains testosterone from the seminal tubes. It must be something on a cellular level and I'm not really that into cell phones so I let it go.

Our baby's room was yellow.

I was never one to count down the days to my period. I even tempted fate many times and wore white for days in a row, which led most of the high school to know when I menstruated, but it was never a big deal to me. Edward, ah, made it his personal mission in life to know the exact moment I got my period.

He pulled me onto the old blanket in our packed room on our floating house and smiled before saying, "You're two days late."

I racked my brain to think of what appointment I was late for but I couldn't think of anything, so he added, "Is it too early for a pregnancy test?"

"Oh, that late," I said and then my eyes opened wide. "I'm late?"

The word 'late' becomes one of those words you are conditioned to fear, like the words audit and grounded. It took me a moment to realize I was a married woman, so I could be as late as I wanted.

"Do you think it finally happened?" he asked and I could see hope written all over his face.

I sat up and felt a fear I had never experienced before. Usually I was only afraid of spiders, but this felt way worse than that. I turned to look at Edward, ah, and said, "If I'm pregnant you have to do something with your music, like send it to someone important or something."

"Why?" he asked feeling his own fear set in.

"Because having a baby is terrifying and the only way you can understand what I feel like is if you do something terrifying, too."

"Okay, you take the pregnancy test and I'll record a song," Edward, ah, bargained.

I nodded in agreement and was shocked when he reached over and picked up a box and handed it to me. He actually bought a test, like he was all anxious to be a daddy or something. I read the instructions and grew nervous. I needed to pee on a stick and had to think it through a bit. I had never purposefully peed on anything in my life. I spent time trying NOT to pee on things so this was a paradigm change for me.

I headed to the bathroom and managed to perform the test correctly. I came back out and handed it to Edward, ah, but he refused to take it from me. "Put it on the counter and we'll look at it together," he offered and I laughed at him.

"You just don't want to touch my pee," I said and waved the stick in front of him.

"Gross, stop," Edward, gah, said and moved away from me.

I blocked his path and shook the stick so he jumped onto the bed and ran to the other side. I ran quickly and blocked his path again. "Touch it, Edward, gah," I laughed and he jumped back onto the bed. "You aren't leaving until you touch it," I laughed.

"Bella, you're going to be a mother, act like it," he said and tried to sound angry.

"You don't know that, yet," I pointed out and lunged at him with the stick.

He screamed, actually screamed like a little girl and I fell onto the bed in laughter. He got whacked with my vagina right in the face but a little stick with pee scared him, jeeze, how did he ever kiss Stanley?

I held up the stick and look at the word written across a little window. I sat up and looked at Edward, ah, and felt tears form in my eyes. "You knocked me up," I said and his smile fell.

"Seriously?" Edward, ah, said.

"Yeah, seriously," I answered and he came over and held my face in his hands, obviously no longer afraid of a pee stick.

"I love you," he whispered and wiped my tears away with his kisses. I put my hands on my stomach and tried to feel if there was any difference. I wasn't sure what I was feeling for, but surely something should feel differently.

I expected to feel a bulbous head or a little foot reach out a kick me, but I was still the same. Maybe pregnancy was going to be a cinch for me and Rose only complained because it was Gorp's child she was carrying.

"Let's wait until we're settled into the new house before we tell anyone," Edward, ah, said and I nodded because I was pretty much too scared to move. What if Budge couldn't hold on very well and if I stood he would fall from my uterus?

I scooted back onto the bed and lay perfectly still so my baby could jump around and not feel closed in. Edward moved to my side and whispered, "I want to make love to my child's mother."

I gasped and looked at him in anger. We were most likely never making love again. What would our child think when his warm cocoon were suddenly filled with sperm and he heard his daddy screaming profanity, no, sex was definitely out of the question.

"We can't have sex, that is disgusting, Edward, gah. We're parents now," I pointed out to his Emmett like desire.

"Parents have sex, Bella, how do you think children end up with siblings?"

"I don't have any, and you don't have any, so Budge won't have any either. He can get them off the net, like regular people do," I said adamantly.

He smiled and leaned in closer to let his hot breath rush across my skin, "I want at least five children."

_Hold on Budge_, I mentally warned my baby and stood upright. "You want five kids?" I screamed at poor ignorant, sexy as hell, Edward, gah.

"Maybe six," he said with a smile and I looked around for anything that hadn't been packed that I could use to beat some sense into him. He didn't need a wife, he needed a dog, a bitch, hey…the Jessica thing is starting to make sense.

"Edward, I can't have six babies. I couldn't never keep track of them, or remember to feed them, or remember what size clothes they wear, or remember their names…."

"Bella, I'm just teasing you. Set up a doctor appointment and well talk to him about sex. I'm sure he'll tell you it is fine."

I calmed and lay back down so Budge could relax and felt better knowing I wouldn't have to entertain big daddy tonight. We snuggled up together and he quickly fell asleep while I stayed awake and tried to imagine having a baby.

The best part about being pregnant was the fact Edward, ah, wouldn't let me lift a thing during the move. He was at my beck and call through the entire thing, when I said 'jump', he said 'how high'. Okay, maybe not to that extent, but when I pointed at a box, he would lift it for me.

Rosalie noticed right away. "Is your back hurt?" she asked.

"No, I'm not old," I protested.

"Why is Edward lifting everything?" she pressed and watched me closely, because she was a mom and knew how to watch closely.

"Because he is stronger than me," I said and rolled my eyes.

"Let's go get some cold beer," she suggested and I froze for a moment. Rose screamed loudly and ran over to hug me. "I knew it," she cried. "You're pregnant."

I grabbed onto her in relief and hurried over to sit down. "Can I hurt my baby by standing; I mean can he fall out?"

"He's upside down," she laughed and I looked down to see how she could tell. Poor Budge had fallen and he couldn't get up.

She took my hands in hers and held them tightly. "Belly, he is attached securely to your uterus by the placenta and surrounded in fluid, so he can't fall or be hurt, or even tell when you are moving around. And don't be afraid of sex either, it is healthy for your uterus to have orgasms."

"Rose, I am so afraid, can you imagine me being a mom. What if I get him confused with another baby and I end up arrested for kidnapping?" I said in all honesty.

She smiled and looked right into my eyes. "Belly, your child is going to have the best birthday parties, and the most original Halloween costumes. He'll slay dragons with his mom and battle pirates as she steals the gold. He'll be the luckiest child in the world. And why are we calling it a he?"

"Oh my God," I said softly, "Budge might be Budgette."

"Edddwaaarrrddd," Rose screamed at the top of her lungs, bringing him flying into the room with terror in his eyes.

"You will not allow her to name this child, understand?"

He looked at me and smiled, "You told her?"

"She tried to get me drunk," I said to defend myself.

"Buy a name book and make her pick one from it. I'm serious Edward; you need to put your foot down."

Emmett walked into the room carrying a large, heavy box and he stood looking at everyone in confusion, never once thinking to put the box down. "What's going on?"

I tried to beg Edward, ah, with my eyes not to tell him, because he would probably want to hug me or something. Budge may be securely attached, but it didn't mean he couldn't be smashed.

"Belly's pregnant," Rose said and I really should have begged her with my eyes, not Edward, ah.

"My dad doesn't know, so don't say a word," I yelled to Emtard, knowing it would be around the precinct by morning.

"Is it Edward's? Emmett teased and I saw the look on Edward's, ah, face.

I wondered how long it would take him to truly know I would never cheat on him. I stood, since Budge was upside down anyway, and walked over to wrap my arms around my guy. He smiled and gave me a soft kiss, but the sadness in his eyes remained. "You have no idea how much I love you," I said and he nodded. "Yeah, I do," he said.

"I'll have six babies," I told him to make him really believe.

"You can't," he laughed, "I don't have six good songs."

I had forgotten all about our deal and the thought of Edward, ah, recording a song got my body all hot and bothered. And, since orgasms were good for my uterus I grabbed hold of Edward's, ah, hand and pulled him to our new room. The bed wasn't totally put together but the mattress was on the floor so I had my man on the floor, well, on the mattress on the floor.

There wasn't a wall to pound so he beat the mattress and I realized it was much more quiet, if only I could convince him to wear a gag Budge may never be awaken in the middle of the night by his father professing devotion to my effing cat….well, he used another word.


	5. Chapter 5

Name: Tilt

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter: 5

**Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight Characters, no matter how weird I make them.**

* * *

Chapter: 5

I set up a doctor's appointment which was validation that the world had been created for men and made me believe in evolution. I wasn't going to have to defend my life to a creator after all. Women evolved over time when men like Eric crawled out of the sea and began walking with a wiggle. There wasn't a missing link; Gay men were just evolving into a higher life form.

The doctor asked me things like, was I throwing up, was I tired, and was I having any cramps or bloating. Who knew pregnancy was like the flu? I assured him I was fine and he gave me a prescription for some vitamins and some brochures with disgusting pictures in them.

Then he wanted to check the baby. Damn that Rose lied to me. If he could put his fingers there to check the baby, Edward's dan…penis could give the baby brain damage. Sex was out of the question, again.

The doctor must have read my mind, since the very next subject was sex. He assured us it was safe and important for us to bond during this time. Edward, ah, and I had no trouble bonding, we bonded a lot, we bonded in ways that almost killed him. So, bonding during this time would be a breeze.

It was now time to share our news with family and friends. Since the person I loathed already knew, we took a trip to Seattle to see the Cullens and the Whitlocks. I also planned to stop by my old job and see Eric and Sues, making sure I had tooth picks in my pocket to insert into James if he said anything disgusting.

Esme meet us at the door with a box in her hand. "I found this for your house," she said and I mentally groaned. It was most likely a rubix's cube.

I opened it to find a small brass sculpture of a squiggle to sit on my mantle. I stared at it in shock and hugged it to my chest as I cried. It wasn't the hormones; it was my stiff, square, mother-in-law reaching out to my gelatinous squiggle which sent me over the edge. Edward, ah, held me in his arms and led me to the couch.

"We have some news, love, do you want to share it, or shall I?"

"You shall," I said through my tears.

"We're pregnant," he said proudly and I looked at him in shock.

"No we're not," I protested and the blood rushed from his face. I looked over at his parents and said, "I'm pregnant."

"I meant, we're expecting a baby," he clarified and I snorted a bit.

"We're not expecting a baby, it will definitely be a baby and we are not expecting anything else to come out of my uterus. Maybe with Jessica something else would have come out, like Satan or some demon, but we are having a baby, period."

The room was quiet and I whispered, "Damn", when I realized I should have just kept my mouth shut.

Carlisle finally stood and extended his hand to congratulate us. Edward took his father's hand and pulled him into a hug, but I just shook his hand. Esme cried and pulled me to her chest as if showing me how to breast feed. It was awkward and I made sure to keep my mouth completely closed.

"Have you discussed names," she asked and Edward, gah, lied.

"Not yet," he said with a weird voice.

"Well, the name Edward has been in the family for generations," she said, and I now understood why someone would give a baby that awful name. But I kept my mouth shut, because she was still sitting quite close and I was still having images of her breast shoved into my mouth.

"Do you want a boy or a girl?" Carlisle asked, looking directly at me.

I scooted away from Esme and said, "A boy, so he can do Jasper's daughter on the table."

Again the room was quiet and I looked at Edward, gah, and begged him to please speak for me.

"We want a healthy baby," he answered and I realized it was a much better answer than mine.

"How are you feeling, Bella?" Esme asked and I smiled at her but didn't respond.

"She's doing great, no symptoms at all," Edward, gah, answered.

"You'll have to keep those dogs outside now," Carlisle said and I felt my hands pull into fists. I knew it was his whole, 'Nobody shits without my permission,' logic that made him hate our dogs, but they were part of the family and you didn't relegate family to the outdoors unless Emmett was your family.

"They are very well trained," Edward, gah, said with a hint of anger in his voice so he made it back to ah.

"How's the battle with Microsoft going?" I asked to see if they managed to stay on top without me.

"The economy had been a problem, but I expect it to pick up next quarter," he said, but I heard, "I expect to be picking up quarters if the economy becomes a problem." He looked at Edward and asked, "Have you noticed a dip?"

I laughed inside my head, because we noticed a dip every time Emmett came around, a dipshit.

"Logging and fishing are still strong industries; Port Angeles doesn't have too many technology industries."

I wanted to point out how Edward's, ah, choice was not dipping, but daddy's was, so maybe Edward, ah, was smarter than daddy, but I didn't want to be thrown out of the house and hurt Budge. We stayed and chatted for over an hour before heading out to Cullen Corporation to see Eric.

It was sad to pull up to the old place and know we didn't belong there anymore. Until I saw James walked down the hallway and I was so glad we didn't belong there anymore. Eric and I squealed like teenage girls and jumped up and down, making Budge Sea sick and sending Edward, ah, to visit the developers.

"You look great, Bella," Eric lied since he looked fabulous.

"Are you still with James?" I asked and pulled the trash can closer in case he said yes.

"We aren't exclusive, he actually dates women, too," Eric said with disgust and I wondered if James's nursery had been only light pink.

"Guess what, I'm pregnant," I said and waited for Eric to scream so I could scream along with him.

"I bet Edward makes gorgeous babies," Eric said with a sigh and I wanted to point out they could never be made with Eric, but I didn't want to burst his bubble.

"Okay, I need total honesty; can you see me as a mother?" I knew Eric wouldn't lie and all my happiness rested in his hands. If he said no, we would have to hire a nanny.

"Psh," he said with disgust. "You are a natural. Hell, you are the only person I know who can speak baby and let the child be whatever it wants to be."

I threw my arms around Eric and would have gladly kissed him with everything I had, if the idea wasn't so repulsive to Eric. He showed me my strength, my baby would be allowed to be whatever it wanted to be, and it wouldn't need pink paint to be gay if it wanted to be gay.

"I want to name my baby, Budge," I said and watched him for a reaction.

"Cool," he said and I felt tears form in my eyes. I wanted to call Eric everyday and gain strength from his acceptance of me. "Budge Cullen sounds like a football player, or maybe a baseball player. Hey, remember Emmett who used to work here."

I hated Eric. He was such a bitch.

I left his office and headed down the row of cubes and stopped when I saw Susan. I leaned against her wall and waited for her to get off the phone, and she seemed to be stretching out the call as long as possible, until Edward, ah, walked up. Her hand dropped from her ear and into the phone cradle instantly.

"Hi," she said with a smile, but I heard, "My panties are wet for you, Edward, ah."

"God, Sues, I'm standing right here," I said loudly to her.

"We were just leaving," Edward, ah, said to her stunned face.

"I'm having his baby, because we have lots and lots of sex," I smirked and turned to march off but instead ran right into James's chest.

"I think what you're looking for is lower," he said in his predator voice. I felt cold chills and the need to shower…and gargle. I opened my mouth to say something but my man handled it.

He moved in front of me and got right into James's face before saying, "If you ever speak to my wife like that again, I will drop you on your ass so fast you won't be able to respond."

I wanted the entire department to chant, drop, drop, drop.

James raised his hands into the air and said, "I was only joking around, relax and take a chill pill."

Chill pill, really, that was the best he could do? You would think a light pink person would be full of pithy comebacks. Edward, ah, took my hand and led me from his father's dipping company.

Our last stop was Jasper's club; well, it was technically Jasper and Edward's, ah, club, but I wanted no part of The Cube. Soft Jazz was playing and Alice ran over to give us both a hug, after saying, "Hay."

Jasper was slowly turning her southern and she was too in love to notice. "Hi," I emphasized. Edward, ah, walked over to Jasper and they began their blah, blah talk about business so Alice and I sat at a table to talk.

"I love being married," Alice gushed. "Everything is different and so wonderful."

"I have some news," I told her and she tried very hard not to smile telling me Rose had already gotten to her. Well, I wasn't letting Rose have all the fun, so I said, "Edward got a vasectomy."

She squealed and said, "I'm so hap….wait, what?"

"We decided not to have children, so he got a vasectomy," I repeated.

"But, I thought Rose said…"

"Yeah, Rose is really upset about it, but since they live next door we didn't want kids. Can you imagine Emmett being a role model for children?" I faked a shudder; well, it was kind of fake.

Alice looked over at Edward in confusion and I finally laughed and said, "Just Kidding, I'm pregnant, but damn that Rosalie for telling you."

She jumped onto her short legs and threw her arms around me. "This is such great news. Jasper told me how much it meant to Edward. Congratulations."

Wait, Jasper knew how much it meant to Edward, ah? So exactly how much did it mean to Edward, ah? I looked over to see the two men give each other a brotherly hug and wondered if Edward, ah, wanted a son since he didn't really have any males in his family he could relate to.

"We're thinking about trying for a baby around Christmas," Alice announced and I'm sure they planned to name it Scarlet. I couldn't wait to see the look on Jasper's face when Budge had his way with Scarlet on the kitchen table.

We headed back to Port Angeles with only two more people to tell, my parents. I hoped my daddy believed I was impregnated by a doctor in a sterile medical environment and not on the deck of our houseboat where the early morning fishermen could have seen.

I knew my mother would cry and beg us to come over every single day and we would have to put an electrified fence around our property to keep her out. She would knit ugly booties and collect little t-shirts that said 'I love my Grandma'.

We were driving as I planned my child's wardrobe and what I needed it to say, when Edward, ah, took my hand and said, "Bella, are you happy?"

I kissed his fingers, which were still delicious, and said, "Yes, totally."

His eyes filled with tears and I unhooked my seatbelt and moved over to kiss his neck. "Edward, ah, why is it so important for you to have a baby?"

"You don't want children?" he asked with shock.

"No, I mean yes, I want children, but I meant why does it mean so much to you?"

He suddenly looked very nervous and I began to think he needed a kidney or something. Sure that was in, he was dying after all and needed a major organ from a blood relative to live. Carlisle would never give up an organ, and I seriously doubted if he even had a heart, but I couldn't choose between Budge and Edward, ah. I wanted both of my guys.

I realized we were no longer moving and looked over at my husband who was waiting patiently for my attention. He smiled and said sadly, "Bella, if we have a child you are part of my life forever. Even if you leave me I will be connected to you through our child."

There it was, his old fear still deeply rooted in his soul, the fear Jessica, Queen of Penial, helped sear into his heart. I looked at him and shared a bit of my own deeply rooted fear. "Edward, nobody would ever want me. I'm too weird for any other man, but you understand me and that is what will keep us connected. My love for you is so strong because you actually love me back."

"I don't love you only because you are weird," he said harshly.

"And I will never, ever leave you," I said back just as emphatically.


	6. Chapter 6

Name: Tilt

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter: 6

**Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight Characters, no matter how weird I make them.**

* * *

Chapter: 6

We worked in the club and planned to go to Forks the next day. It was particularly crowded this night and the room was warm and pulsating. Something was in the air, and when my guy took the stage the entire club erupted into cheers. He looked a bit embarrassed, like most sexy men who thought they were ordinary usually did.

I fought my way through the crowd of women screaming in front of the stage. I should have my own spot, roped off and decorated, since I was the one who caused him to pound on walls. He smiled at me and I winked at him, before hearing someone say, "He's married, you're kidding?"

I raised my ring finger high in the air and hoped someone didn't rip it from my hand. His song was slow and brought me to tears when I really listened to the words this time. He sang of pain, and fear of losing love. His melody and strong timbre caused many of the young women to swoon but it caused me to cry. I couldn't' stand the thought of Edward, ah, living forever afraid.

When he finished the crowd begged him for another one, but he announced the next singer instead. I followed him over to the bar and he watched me hesitantly. I stared at him, trying to see behind his gorgeous face and into his soul. He asked me the question often, but I never asked him, so I took a deep breath and said, "Edward, ah, are you happy?"

"You never need to ask me, love. You have made all my dreams come true," he said, but his eyes still looked distant.

"Edward, ah, I think that is the song you should record. When you sing it, I can tell it means something to you. I can feel your heart in that song," I told him and felt my tears begin to fall.

He rushed over and held me in his arms. "Why are you crying?" he asked in a sweet voice.

"Because I love you so much and I would die without you. I wouldn't be able to breathe, because you are my oxygen and I would just die," I blubbered.

He leaned in to kiss me and I quickly covered my mouth and ran for the ladies room. I vomited every ounce of fluid in my body and then almost vomited up my stomach. It wasn't the kind of vomit you could hold your hair back and hope it doesn't splash on your pants. It was the loud, Aarrgghh, sounding vomit that makes you pray to a deity for it to please stop and sends all the other girls running from the ladies room.

Edward came in to check on me, since he owns the place and women flash him anyway when he sings.

I was sitting on the floor, which alone was a disgusting thought, and couldn't find the energy to do something as simple as get up. I felt like I hadn't slept for days and when Edward handed me a wet cloth I began to cry again, because he was just so damn sweet.

"It's the hormones, love," he said, as if I would smack my forehead in understanding and jump right up. I knew it was the hormones, but it didn't make one bit of difference to my exhausted legs and tender tummy.

"I'm so tired," I said and closed my eyes.

"Come to my office and I'll get you some ice chips," he offered and my hormones suddenly swung like a pendulum to the other side.

"Am I supposed to live on ice chips for seven more months, Edward, gah. Are your ice chips going to make it all better? Maybe we should stick your dick in ice chips and see if it helps anything."

His eyes shot open wide and I instantly apologized, right before another vocal round in the toilet.

He waited for it to end and helped me to the sink to wipe down my face. When I smiled at him he gave me a tight hug and I cried out in pain. My nipples hurt, in fact my entire boobs hurt. I was a nauseous, emotional, chest swelling wreck. Where was the pregnancy glow I was supposed to have?

He walked me to his office and helped me onto the couch before placing a trash can close enough to reach if I needed it suddenly. Then he placed a cool cloth on my head and hesitantly placed a cup of ice chips on the desk before shutting off the light and running like hell.

The next morning I was full of energy and ravenous. I made eggs, and pancakes, with a pop tart chaser. I was also ravenous for something else and considered, only considered, having Edward, ah, right on the kitchen table. Instead I waited for him to make it to the luv sack and pounced.

I didn't think he would have anything to pound on if we had sex on the bean bag, but we somehow made it all the way across the floor and into the hallway where he used both walls to scream at. It was then I realized sex this time was extra saucy for him, but I was instantly ready for another go as he tried to come down from round one.

"God, I need you again," I said and kissed him as he began to shake in fear.

"What do you want me to do?" he asked as I devoured his mouth.

"I don't care, just do something," I instructed him and I was really anxious to see what he came up with, but our door bell rang.

If it was Emmett I swore I would shoot him with his own gun. "Who is it," I yelled loudly.

"Mom and Dad," my parents answered and Edward, gah, pushed off of me and ran up the stairs.

I'm sure it is just payback for all the drinks of water, or monsters in the closet, I had as a child that ruined their passion, but man, this was making me cry. I got off the floor and tightened my robe before opening the door.

I invited them in with less than a welcoming tone and Edward, gah, came walking down the stairs as if he had been in his office reading the Bible.

"You're not dressed?" my mother asked, stating the obvious.

"We just finished with breakfast," Edward, gah, said, so I wouldn't tattle about the double wall vocalization.

"Bella, you look flushed," my father said and I glared at him. Of course I was flushed; I made a trip from the luv sack to the hallway on my ass, and didn't get to make it a round trip.

"Come sit down," Edward, gah, said and they both walked to the couch as I fell with a, humpf, into the luv sack. "We were going to come to Forks today."

"I'm glad we stopped by, we're headed to Seattle," my mom said and I hated that they could just stop by on their way to places. We should live where it was impossible for parents to stop by.

"Do you want to tell them, love?" Edward, gah, asked and as soon as I opened my mouth he quickly said, "Bella is pregnant."

"I wasn't going to tell them we were just having sex," I said as I glared at Edward, gah, for stealing my thunder. Oh, damn, I just told them we were just having sex.

"A baby," my mom exclaimed to keep my father from shooting Edward, gah. "When are you due?"

"March," I said loudly before Edward, gah, could answer, because there was nothing offensive about saying the name of a month.

"Charlie, our first grandchild," my mom said with tears and he swallowed like his favorite fishing hole just dried up.

Daddy looked at me hesitantly and then turned to look at Edward, gah."We're just down the road a bit," my father managed to say, and I knew he was thinking about that damn doll with the box that made it cry.

"Are you having morning sickness?" my mom asked like she didn't hear me just say we were having sex.

"None," I said proudly and then Edward, gah, just had to speak up again.

"She gets sick at night."

"I did too, with you," my mom said with a smile since we were finally sharing something in common.

"I'm going to have her stay home for a while and not come to the club. Rose and Emmett are next door if she needs anything," Edward, gah, said and my father nodded.

I would die with my head stuck in the toilet before I would ask the human ex-lax to help me with anything. And Rosalie was busy with ugly Emma, so I wouldn't impose on her, either. I was a grown woman letting nature run its course, so I would take care of myself, naturally.

"Bella," my father called out loudly.

"Oh, what?" I asked.

"Your mother offered to stay with you for a couple of weeks," he reiterated and I looked at Edward's, gah, horrified face.

I chuckled at the thought of her witnessing my insatiable appetite first hand, but Edward, gah, didn't find it funny. "No, I'm fine, really I am."

"I think you're having a girl," my mother said and I shook my head.

"No, we're having a boy, I can feel it," I said and everyone gave me an, aw, so ignorant look.

Sami came running in and climbed on my lap so I buried my face in her fur and spoke baby talk for a few moments. "You'll have to keep the dogs away from the baby," my father said and I laughed. Did they really think we would let the dogs carry our child around with their teeth? Hoser growled at Emma, but only because she was still in her ugly phase when he was around her.

"Well, now for the reason we stopped by," my father said and he rubbed his hands together and refused to look at either me or Edward, gah.

I had a bad feeling about this. If it was something they had to stop by to tell us it had to be bad. Let me see, Emmett already lived next door, so nothing else could be bad unless…oh God, he had Jessica news. But what? She couldn't sleep with my boyfriend, and she couldn't refuse to divorce Edward, gah.

"Jessica is moving back to Forks?" I screamed and it seemed my father had already said those exact words while I was still working it out. "But you're the Chief of Police, can't you stop her? I mean, pass a law about open prostitution or something?"

"She's marrying Mike Newton," my dad said softly and glanced at Edward, gah.

"Ah, shit," Edward, gah, moaned softly. My world was imploding in around me, Emmett was next door and now Jessica was within disease range. Sami tried to cheer me by licking my face and it only made me think about Jessica and all the things she had licked…including my husband.

"I don't think Edward, gah, and I will be coming to Forks so just plan on coming here to see the baby."

"Bella, she won't keep me away," he said, trying to be brave.

I had no idea how Mike could marry her, he went to school with us, he was on the playground the day she explained how a woman could get pregnant by a man putting his pee pee in her hoo hoo. Then she informed us all that our parents did it all the time. I was sure only her parents did that; my daddy would never stick his pee pee anywhere near my mom. But, several girls cried anyway.

Maybe Mike had been in an accident and lost his memory. Jessica could have met him in a hospital when she was having her yearly genital warts check up. I'm sure she lied just like she did to Edward, gah.

My parents left when I began spending more time talking in my head than to them. I walked over to my guy and gave him a supportive hug. "I'm sorry, you must want to die."

"It won't bother me to run into Jessica. I found my soul mate and all I feel for her is gratitude that she cheated on me."

"I'm your soul mate?" I asked as tears threatened.

"I'll love you for eternity," he said and kissed me in a way that set my body on fire. I began pulling on the clothes he put on for my parents and just when I got him stripped down my huge breakfast sent me running to the bathroom for a new round of vocal vomiting.

There is nothing uglier than naked vomiting, unless it is Emmett naked vomiting.

Edward, ah, walked slowly into the room behind me and reached out to hold back my hair. I was making my soul mate's life miserable and had no way to stop it. It sent me into tears and I begged him not to find a new soul mate, missing the whole point of a soul mate to begin with.

He put me back in bed and then left for an hour. He returned with some DVD's, some soda to settle my stomach, and a large bouquet of roses. I smiled with admiration until I pulled the last thing from the bag. He ducked just in time to miss being hit square in the head by the baby name book.


	7. Chapter 7

Name: Tilt

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter: 7

**Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight Characters, no matter how weird I make them.**

* * *

Chapter: 7

I stayed away from the club for weeks until Edward came home one night acting weird. I tried to get him to open up, but he tried to change the subject the entire time. He showered and climbed into bed so I rubbed his back and waited for him to find the words he wanted to use.

"Bella, please don't get angry, okay?"

When someone start a sentence that way, of course it makes you want to get angry. Just the thought of being told not to be angry stirs up the anger and makes you want to tell them not to tell you what to do. I looked up at him to see if he waited for my attention and saw him looking nervously at me.

"Jessica came by the club with her husband."

"Do you want me to call the exterminator tomorrow?" I asked him.

He shook his head and smiled. "Mike seemed like a nice guy," he said and his forehead furrowed as if he couldn't figure out how he got hooked up with Jessica.

"Yeah, he was one of her dates for the prom," I said with disgust.

"One of them?" he asked.

"Yeah, but she got them all rooms in the same hotel, so it worked out."

"Who did you go with to the prom?" Edward, gah, asked and I felt sick.

High school memories were not happy ones, the entire concept of high school was to teach people to be squares. Being different or sticking out was strongly discouraged. I did well on tests, but the teachers began asking me who I was cheating from, so I started missing questions on purpose.

Prom was a must, because the entire crape paper industry depended on them. It gives girls a glance at a guys potential. If you see him in a tux it is easier to picture him paying a mortgage and parenting children. But it is all a lie, if a guy's a shit, prom just shows you a shit in a tux.

"I went with Jake, barf, but there was no hotel and my parents chaperoned the dance," I told Edward, gah.

"That's awkward," he chuckled and I rolled my eyes.

"I faked a wardrobe malfunction and we snuck into the broom closet to make out. It's easy to put one over on my parents."

Edward, ah, rolled over onto me and pulled my nightgown down off of my shoulders. "Oops, we better make out."

Yes, Edward, ah, would wipe away all memories of making out with Jake, barf. I wrapped my legs around him and when I gave him a squeeze something awful happened. My eyes shot open and Edward, gah, laughed loudly, "Did you just fart?"

"No," I said and quickly dropped my legs as my face turned red. This was worse than whacking him with my hoo hoo, because I didn't fall and I wasn't forced to eat a bowl full of beans. I was trying to be sexy and make him dream of my long legs wrapping around him while he worked on the books at the club. He wouldn't dream of my legs now, he would think of colons and assholes.

"Did you fart in the broom closet with Jake," he teased.

"I didn't fart, it was the bed springs," I said and tried to push him off of me, but I didn't push hard in case I had butt bubbles lining up in my intestines ready to emerge with the smallest of pressure.

"Hey, claim it, don't blame it," he said and fell to his side in laughter.

I hated being pregnant, my body was going insane and there was nothing I could do about it. Budge was going to be an only child because I was not going through this again. If Edward, gah, wanted more kids he would have to fart them out himself.

I decided to talk with Rose about what I was going through, surely she remembered being pregnant and would be sympathetic. I showed up at her house the next day as she was bathing ugly Emma in the sink. She was sitting it a square full of bubbles and her blond curly hair was all over the place. She was so cute, for having the name Ugly Emma…wait, only I called her that.

"How are you feeling," Rose said sweetly and then looked at my stomach and smiled wider. "You're showing."

I looked down to make sure she meant the pregnancy and I didn't have pubic hair sticking out of my pants buttons, since I wasn't wearing underwear. This was nothing like Jessica going pantyless; I wasn't trying to be al natural; I just hadn't had the energy to do wash.

"I'm exhausted all the time, and my moods change so quickly," I said, before I began to either cry or try to rip her head off.

"Yeah, you feel like a crazy person and your husband is convinced you're a crazy person," she said with a sigh.

I didn't understand her point, what did that have to do with pregnancy… that was my everyday life.

"Were you ever…constipated?" I asked with a red face.

"Just wait until the last trimester. You would pay good money just to be able to shit."

"Did you…I mean did you ever, well, was holding…oh man," I said as I tried to find a way to ask.

"Did I pass gas?" she finally asked and I really liked the way she worded it, but you don't actually pass gas, because who would you pass it to; I mean would someone actually take gas if you passed it?

"Yes," I said with a sigh of relief.

"Emmett called me 'Tootles.' I couldn't walk without announcing my coming," she laughed.

"I'm not walking anymore," I announced and clinched my ass cheeks tightly. I couldn't imagine 'passing' gas in front of Emmett after all the crap I gave him over the years.

"Did you know it is a real possibility you'll take a dump while giving birth?" she said to really mess up my head.

That was it; I burst into tears and wanted Budge to be born cesarean. My doctor told me child birth was beautiful and now I had some real serious concerns about my doctor. If he'll lie about what he does for a living, he probably lied about sex being safe. He was just a man, making sure another man was gettin sumpin, while his fat, farting wife worried about shitting out her baby.

Rose laughed at me and finished with ugly Emma's bath. She wrapped her in a towel, so just her face was peeking out and said, "Can you say hi to Belly?"

"Hi," a tiny adorable voice came out and I really wanted Budge to arrive today so he could play.

"My pediatrician said Emma is quit advanced for her age," Rose said proudly and I was sure it was something that worried her, since Emtard was the father.

"Edward, ah, ran into Jess and Mike last night at the club," I said and Rose looked at me with raised eyebrows.

"How did that play out?" She asked.

"He thought Mike seemed nice," I said with a sigh, feeling so sorry for Mike Newton.

"Did he tell you she's pregnant?"

"What?" I yelled and then wondered if Edward, gah, could even tell.

"Yeah, she looks about as far along as you are. And if you do the math it makes her a pregnant bride."

"You were a pregnant bride," I pointed out and she glared at me. I forgot we were gossiping and not stating facts.

"I was with Emmett for years, it isn't the same thing," Rose said angrily.

"I hope she shits during childbirth," I said getting back to the Jessica matter. "And I doubt she'll even have a contraction, I mean, a child could stand and walk out of her vagina."

"Hey, is the club having a Halloween party?" Rose asked, taking the conversation on a wild turn without warning me.

"I don't know, why?"

Rose was never one to dress up and I didn't know why she would start now."Emmett has that night off and I really need a night away from Emma."

I knew ugly Emma wasn't as loved as Rose pretended. If she was willing to dress as a slutty cheerleader, or slutty Cinderella, I bet she could hardly stand the child. Budge was going to go everywhere with me. I would never leave his side, well, maybe when he does Scarlett on the table I won't be there, but maybe I will; someone has to take the pictures to show the Whitlocks.

I was now deep in costume decisions when she finally left the room to get ugly Emma dressed. I was still deep in thought when she returned and put the baby in a playpen so we could talk.

"Are you and Edward having sex," she asked and I wondered why that would come up.

"Yeah, why?" I asked and felt a bit of relief they couldn't hear him screaming profanity from their house.

"I don't know, Jess can be pretty pushy and if she showed up at the club maybe she wants something from Edward again."

I jumped up from the chair I was sitting on and rushed home to do some wash. I was coming back to the club and I needed underwear for my show down with the biggest whore west of the Mississippi River, maybe even west of the Atlantic Ocean, maybe even the entire world, hell, the whole universe.

I suddenly had energy I never knew I had. I washed everything in the entire damn house. Even a basket of clothes Edward, ah, washed but never put away. I showered and shaved my legs, I plucked my eyebrows that were threatening to become an eyebrow, and I used hot rollers in my hair. I walked into that club looking smokin hot, from the chest up. And might I add my chest was looking big and beautiful.

It was all worth the effort when Edward, ah, looked at me and almost fell to the floor. He smiled and walked toward me, scanning my body, when I really wanted him to stop at my chest. I wore a little black dress and heels, too dressy for The Driftwood, but not too dressy for a whore fight.

He pulled me into his arms and spoke in my ear, with his cookie voice, "God, I want you."

"Pick a table when you close and I'm all yours," I said with my fishing shack voice.

"Why Bella, I believe you're turning Southern," he said with a drawl to mimic Jaspers.

"Go sing me a song, Rhett," I laughed and grabbed a handful of his perfect ass.

He walked to the stage and the female clientele began to scream as I searched for the breathing disease. I saw Mike first and felt my heart ache for him. Jessica wouldn't be faithful…ever. But then I saw Mike looking up and down some young thing and wondered if it wasn't a match made in heaven.

My eyes moved around the room and settled on her Majesty, Queen Whore. She glared at me but didn't look away and I smiled in a disturbed way. Edward, ah, didn't keep peanuts out like Harry did, so I had to come up with something better without the help of my bitchy sisters.

Pregnancy caused Jessica's large breasts to become massive and it made me think of a dairy commercial I saw as a child where the cow was given chocolate and then shaken to make chocolate milk. I wonder if that really happens? I'll make Edward, ah, buy me a trampoline so Budge can have chocolate milk.

Oh, where did the whore go, there she is, still staring at me.

I walked toward her and she took a big sip of her water, or maybe it was Vodka and her baby was a lush already. Anyway, I could tell she planned on spitting at me, so I stopped walking toward her.

I placed my hand on my baby bump and smiled, but she rolled her eyes and did the same so I laughed and looked at Mike before giving her a pity look. She swallowed her vodka water and said loudly, "Like I would be jealous of a man who barely moves in bed."

I glanced at my guy as he sang, giving most of the room orgasms with his sexiness and saw something clearly for the first time, not that I never had a clear thought before, but a clear thought regarding my man, okay, my first clear thought ever, I admit it.

Edward wasn't a wall banger by nature, I did that to him, me. He got so worked up he pounded the wall and let everything flow at that moment, even his filthy words. Jess never got that out of him, I did. Jess didn't teach him a thing, his prowess with me was all him.

I lost focus and began moving toward my guy as he sang and played guitar with his delicious fingers. I walked onto the stage and stood right next to him so he sang into my eyes. My newly impressive chest was heaving with desire and I wondered at that moment if my water had broken. He finished the song and grabbed me forcefully, bringing me to his lips as I kissed him sloppily and noisily.

The crowd cheered and when we pulled apart I said, "You only bang the wall and scream profanity when you bang me, profanely."

"Yes, only you," he said with a smile and looked cautiously at the audience since we were standing by the microphone.

"So it is my…you know…you can't get effing enough of," I said as if he hadn't screamed it loudly several times.

"Yes, only yours," he repeated.

"I really am your soul mate," I said confidently.

"Yes, you are," he said proudly and I began to cry. It was the perfect revenge and I never planned it that way. Jessica stood in a room full of people to hear her ex-husband loved another woman so much he actually moved in the bed and screamed profanity as he orgasmed. He admitted it to a room full of panting women that only I got him off that intensely.

He took my hand to lead me from the stage, but I wasn't that big of a person, so I leaned into the mic and said, "Jessica, Mike is leering at the all the tight pussy so you might want to get him out of here."

She spit her vodka water at me, but she didn't keep her lips tight enough, which was the entire point I was trying to make, and the water spilled down the front of her huge, bovine boobs.

Revenge is sweet.


	8. Chapter 8

Name: Tilt

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter: 8

**Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight Characters, no matter how weird I make them.**

* * *

Chapter: 8

Halloween is a bit of a mystery for me. Is it about the costumes, or the candy? Should the costumes be scary, or sluty? Should the lighted pumpkins go on the porch, where rain and wind can put out the candle, or in the window, where the curtains can catch on fire? Halloween was just too confusing.

I chose my costume to work with my new belly. I dressed in a flesh covered body tight which left only a small hole for my face to peek through and then cut out a hole in the middle so my baby bump poked out. I went as a belly button, an outie of course.

Edward, ah, threw a huge party at the club and Jasper and Alice even came to ours, not the one at his club. They showed up as a southern officer and his lady. I knew he had a uniform tucked away somewhere, I just expected it to be covered in swastikas. Emmett came as the incredible hulk, obviously not getting the whole costume purpose. Rose was Wonder Woman, well, sluty Wonder Woman.

I had no idea what Edward, ah, chose but he was really worried about it when he found out my parents were coming, too. They came as raggedy Ann and Andy…because they are weird like that.

The party was in full swing and Rose was having a ball without her ugly baby. I couldn't drink so I walked around the club handing out candy and explaining my costume. People can be so dense sometimes.

I heard someone scream my name and looked over to see a gorgeous woman holding on to James's arm. She was dressed as Carman Miranda with a sexy skirt and fruited wig. I didn't care how hot she was, she was not bringing James to my party.

I marched over to throw them out when the woman said, "You're a belly button, right?"

I loved her; she was my new best friend, a fellow squiggle at heart, until she asked about Edward, ah. It was then I recognized the eyes. "Eric?" I asked in shock.

"In the banana," he answered and I look really hard for his banana and didn't see a trace.

"Oh my God, you're gorgeous," I said with a gasp and James smiled proudly, which wasn't fair because nobody in the room would know he was with a man.

"I'm only fixing what God messed up," Eric said and grabbed some candy from my bowl. "Where's the man?"

I noticed he said 'The' man, not 'My' man, but I was going to let it slide because if Jess couldn't get him to pound walls Eric didn't have a chance.

"My husband is coming later, he is still working on his costume," I said and walked away from Eric so if Edward, ah, showed up he wouldn't see the stark contrast between us.

I was busy with my candy duties when someone dressed as a bunny spoke to me. Now, it wasn't a playboy bunny, or even a sluty bunny. It was a full head to toe, thick material, and feet pajama's kind of bunny.

I looked at the whiskered face and realized it was Sues. Oh hell no, if she thought she was doing the bunny hump with my husband she was wrong. "Remember my husband," she said and I looked at a man I expected to be dressed as a pig and being forced to squeal. But, he was dressed as a race car driver and still looked too much like Ned Beatty.

"You keep your eyes to yourself or I'll…." I see now, she wore the damn bunny suit to deflect my rubber bands. "Or I'll hit Dale Earnhardt here in the head, and I am not talking about aiming for his helmet."

I grabbed the second candy bar from her hand and put it back in my bowl as she quickly moved away from my sight. The crowd seemed to be having fun and Jasper walk to the microphone to make an announcement, like it was his club, which it technically was, but still.

"Welcome to the Driftwood," Jasper said, and I wondered where his accent went. "As a special treat we brought back the King of Rock and Roll to entertain you tonight, so welcome Elllvvviiisss Presley."

The crowed went insane and the curtain opened to show an impersonator with a full band. He began with, Jail House Rock, and I had to admit he was really, really hot. His pelvic moves alone were so spot on I wondered if Jasper had some inside connections to actually revive the King of Rock and Roll.

When the song ended the lights lowered and he sat on a stool to sing, Love me Tender. I swooned and Budge swayed as he appreciated the song too, or maybe he was just expecting daddy to scream loudly at any second and was preparing himself.

In between verses Elvis covered his eyes with his hand to look into the audience. "Is my Bella out there?" he asked and I really hoped Edward, ah, didn't hear him call me HIS Bella. I walked forward repeating over and over again in my mind, _squiggles don't cheat, squiggles don't cheat_.

I got to the stage and he smiled at me, Elvis, I mean Edward, ah, I mean they were the same person. Elvis was my Edward, un huh, dressed in a costume. I was going to be able to do Elvis tonight. "Yes," I screamed in the air and gave a fist pump.

He moved right into the next song and when he sang; "Wise men say, only fools rush in." I ran at him and threw my arms around his neck as the entire club groaned and yelled for me to leave the stage. It was my stupid squiggle stage to begin with, but since they paid for me to keep the squiggle stage I reluctantly left.

I noticed Sues standing in front with some panties in her hand, so I rushed back to the office to get an industrial strength rubber band, but when I got back I noticed Jasper handing the panties out as a joke. But, I was still going to check to make sure she threw the joke panties and not her own.

I lost focus when I saw Eric take the joke panties and put them in his skirt to keep. James smiled, Ew…just ew.

The highlight of the night for me was the song, Hound dog, and Edward, un huh, brought out Sami and Hoser wearing hound dog ears for a costume. My lemniscates was so much better than a squiggle because he could fit in with the squares and still understand the squiggles…he was my God.

I was sitting with Sami, sharing a sucker, when my mother approached me. "Bella, you might want to change Thanksgiving plans. I know you were coming to our place, but your father invited the Blacks."

There was no way I was spending a holiday where pigging out was the main point with Jake, barf. I was in maternity clothes, so I could celebrate to my heart's content this year. "We'll go to the Cullens," I told her and wondered if Esme even allowed pigging out.

Edward, un huh, tried to make his way from the stage but he was inundated with admirers. Sues gave him a hug and when she looked over to see if I was watching, I pointed my finger at her and put my teeth on my lip as if starting a word with F, she quickly backed away.

I giggled when Eric approached him and asked for a picture. Edward, un huh, put his arm around the beautiful woman and leaned down for James to take the shot. Eric quickly kissed him on the cheek and I decided not to tell him, the molestation at the goal party was traumatic enough for my naïve guy.

He finally made it to where I was sitting and I took his hand and placed it on my bare stomach. "Budge is saying hi," I smiled.

He leaned over and kissed my stomach. How many people got the King of Rock and Roll to kiss their tummy? Okay, probably more than we knew, but I now counted myself as one.

"You sir, are freaking amazing," I said and he now kissed my lips.

"It was next to impossible to keep it a secret from you," he admitted and I tried to think of one instance I almost found out. I was clueless to his costume, and even to the dog's costumes. I decided to nod and keep my mouth shut.

"My parents are not available for Thanksgiving, can we go to yours?"

"They're going to be in Europe for their anniversary," he said and looked very worried.

Crap, I was going to have to choose between eating with Jake, barf, or making my own turkey. This wasn't going to be pretty.

I guess the costume gave Edward, un huh, some courage because he brought up an issue he had been avoiding. "Have you, um, looked at the name book, you know for a middle name?"

"I like the name Packard, but Budge Packard doesn't sound good together," I said with a frown.

The king doubled over in laughter and I glared at him. "What?" I asked.

He looked at Sluty Wonder Woman and motioned for her to come over. "Tell her," he said.

"Tell me what," Rose smiled.

"I found a name in the baby book I like," I said and she smiled wider.

"Tell her the name, Bella," Edward, un huh, pressed.

"Packard," I said and Rose looked at Edward with confusion.

"She wants it as a middle name," he explained. "She would name our child, Budge Packard Cullen."

Sluty Wonder Woman turned out to be not that Wonderful. She laughed so hard breast milk came out her nose. When they called Emmett over I walked off and then heard his monstrous laughter fill the club. This was exactly why I didn't need a damn name book.

Alice was sitting alone waiting for her officer to bring her a drink on the veranda, actually just a booth, but I joined her and asked. "Alice, have you ever made a turkey?"

"Sure, with my mother, it isn't that hard."

"Are you going anywhere for Thanksgiving?" I asked as I came up with a plan that put her in charge of making the turkey.

"No, Jasper's only closing the club for one day," she said.

"Let's have it together," I suggested. "I'll see if Rose has plans."

"Oh, I hope they can come, too," she squealed not realizing I never said Emmett could come. "I'll come up with assignments. You'll bring exactly what you're told, right?" Alice was getting so bossy.

If I knew there would be stipulations I never would have brought it up to her. Now, I was going to be assigned something like potatoes or green beans. Hey, I could put food color in lima beans and turn them such a pretty shade of green, this wouldn't be so bad after all.

The party lasted clear until closing time and I ended up on the couch in the office sound asleep with Hoser and Sami keeping me warm. I had to trust Sues didn't tongue kiss my husband goodbye, or Eric either.

Jasper and the confederacy left to make sure all was fine at The Cube and Rose and Emmett rushed home to pay the poor teenager with no Halloween plans for watching ugly Emma. I woke up to what I thought was one of the dogs licking me, but turned out to be my guy kissing me.

"Did you sing again," I asked, hoping I didn't miss it.

"No, I poured drinks to make money," he chuckled.

"Are you ready to go home?" I asked and he shook his head with a crooked smile.

"Do you want to have your way with Elvis on stage?" he asked and I suddenly sat up.

I reached out for his belt and smiled, "That's an awfully big belt."

"I'll let you remove it if you tell me what's on your mind," he bargained.

"I was thinking if you removed it, I would give you some hunka hunka burning love."

He quickly removed the belt and I unhooked the cape. He took my hand and led me from the room after shutting the dogs in the office. We walked to the stage, right to the spot we were married, and he began removing his jumper. I had a harder task to remove the tight leotard I was wearing. I basically had to fight my way out of the stomach hole and it was oddly familiar.

Edward, un huh, grabbed a table cloth and spread it on the ground before pulling me onto his lap. "Are you happy, Bella?" he asked.

I ran my hand under his wig and pulled it from his head before saying, "There's the real King. I'm very happy, Edward, un huh."

He placed his hand on my growing stomach and moaned as he ran his hand further down to Graceland. I wanted to sing Amazing Grace when he began his stage pounding declarations to my hot effing ass.

Imagine what Mrs. Presley would say about her son's language!


	9. Chapter 9

Name: Tilt

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter: 9

**Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight Characters, no matter how weird I make them.**

* * *

Chapter: 9

It turned out Rose and the Jolly Green Giant didn't have Thanksgiving plans, but since they had ugly Emma who needed access to her crib, and they had the largest television, Thanksgiving was held at their house. I was assigned to bring a box of stuffing, to be specific a six ounce box of Kraft Stove Top Stuffing. I wasn't even allowed to bring several boxes, only one.

But a vegetable tray came without specific instructions, so I went to town. I got an eggplant and hollowed it out before filling it with olives stuffed with black jelly beans. If I created the world that is how I would have made olives. Then I got a pumpkin and hollowed it out before filling it with a bag full of popcorn and candy corn.

I put on my Thanksgiving shirt that had fringe hanging from the sleeves and was stretched tightly across my stomach. Edward, ah, and I walked across the yard through the buffer of trees and knocked on the door. Alice answered and let us in.

Rose had the house decorated in fall colors and each setting had a little scarecrow that was so cute not one crow would be scared. The house smelled like pumpkin pie and I smiled. I loved holidays and how homey they made you feel. I was in such a festive mood I mistakenly smiled at Sitting Bull-shit.

"Hey Belly, what's hanging from your arms?" Dumbo asked.

"This is my Thanksgiving shirt," I told his stupidness.

"I don't get it," he said, like his comment would shock me.

"It's fringe, to show solidarity with the Native Americans," I explained and he continued to stare. "I'm a Washington Redskins fan," I finally said and he smiled in understanding.

I sat my vegetable trays on the table and noticed one complete with standard carrots, broccoli, cherry tomatoes and celery. "Hey, I was assigned the vegetable trays," I protested and both women wouldn't look at me.

Emmett walked over and took a handful of olives and tossed them in his mouth. He held out his hand and said, "What's in these?"

"Black jelly beans," I said with pride and he nodded, "Cool."

Jasper looked inside the pumpkin and smiled before taking a handful of popcorn and candy corn. I swelled with pride that my vegetable trays were a hit.

It was the last we saw of the men, they parked in front of the television and we slaved in the kitchen. I didn't actually slave, but only because the taskmasters wouldn't let me slave. They said it was for my energy since I was pregnant, but something told me it wasn't true.

"Jasper and I are planning for a baby, too. I'm going to stop the pill after Christmas," Alice announced.

"Good, Emmett and I want to get pregnant again next summer," Rose announced.

"Emmett's a pussy, but he can't get pregnant," I said with disgust. I just hated how couples said, 'we' are pregnant. Edward, ah, was still sporting a flat stomach and I was beginning to waddle. There is no 'we' about it.

"Do you know what you're having yet?" Alice asked.

"A baby," I said with a smirk.

"Why won't you tell us the sex," Rose protested.

"I did, I'm having a boy," I told them yet again.

"I'm going to laugh so hard when it's a girl," Alice said, and I had to bite my tongue to keep from telling her about my son doing her daughter, because I really want it to be a surprise.

"I ran into Jessica at the mall yesterday," Rose said and I groaned. Nothing ruined my appetite more than hearing about Jessica. "Her ass is getting huge, you look much better than her."

I knew there was a reason Rose was my best friend.

"Is it weird to know Edward was married before?" Alice asked and I leaned in really close so I could talk quietly.

"Jessica was his second wife," I whispered.

"No Way," Rose screamed and Alice looked at her tiny hands so I knew Jasper already told her. "What's wrong with him?" Rose asked.

"Nothing, he's perfect, but the women were skanks," I said to defend my guy. "His first wife cheated on him and then died."

"He killed her?" Rose gasped and that damn idiocy of Emmett's was spreading again.

"No, she had cancer, he didn't kill her, you ass," I said and stuck my finger in her mashed potatoes.

"Why do women cheat on him, is he not very good at…you know?" Alice asked with a scrunched up nose.

"Believe me, Edward is good in bed," Rose said emphatically and I looked at her in shock. I was going to have to murder my best friend for doing my husband, because there was no way in hell I would get even by doing her husband.

"How do you know?" Alice asked. Yeah, way to go girl, you ask the hard questions so I'm not the murder suspect.

"I had to listen to them when I was Belly's roommate, and even now if the wind is blowing the right way I can still hear them."

Wow, need to know information. But I wanted to point out something, "It is Edward, ah, you hear so don't say 'them'. He's the screamer, not me."

"He seems too quiet to be loud at sex," Alice laughed.

"Not only is he loud, but he uses the filthiest language," Rose said and shook her head.

"Edward, quiet, shy, sweet, Edward?" Alice asked.

"I heard this one time," Rose said and put her hand up to whisper into Alice's ear. Poor little turning southern Alice got bright red and gasped loudly.

I only shrugged because usually when Edward was screaming and pounding on the wall I was in my own orgasmic fog. I only caught the tail end of his rant most of the time.

"I'm not going to be able to look at him today," Alice said and glanced toward the table in apprehension.

"Oh my God, it isn't like he did me on the table where people eat. That is disgusting Alice, and it was your first date," I accused her.

She smiled down at her feet and then giggled before saying, "Japer and I joined the mile high club."

"When?" Rose laughed.

"On the way to Atlanta, before our wedding," she laughed and the cream colored gown totally made sense. I felt badly for Edward, ah, but it wasn't fair because Alice was tiny and easily done in small spaces, plus we were keeping ugly Emma entertained on our flight.

We put everything onto the table and called the men to come eat. The Thing sat at the head of the table and smiled at his wife and his ugly daughter, who smiled adorably, back at her daddy. "I think we should all go around the table and say what we are grateful for," he said and we all groaned at his cliché suggestion.

"I'm grateful for Dolce and Gabbana," Rose shouted. "And baby Gap."

"I'm grateful for my wonderful husband," Alice said because she had been married for less than a year.

"I'm grateful for a job I love, so I can support my wife and beautiful daughter," Emmuck said and I looked around for a second child. I wanted to point out he was not supporting his wife and ugly child, since Rosalie's daddy built the house for them and provided both Dolce and Gabbana.

"I'm grateful for my wife and a business partner who happens to be my best friend. I'm grateful for new friends like Rose and Emmett, and I hope nothing but great things for us all in the coming year," Jasper said and I wanted to gag. What did he think this was, New Years? Plus, he left me totally out.

Everyone looked at me and Edward, ah. He took my hand in his and said, "Bella, are you happy?"

"Gratefully," I said with a smile.

He leaned over to kiss me and Emmett had to kick my chair to remind us there was a child at the table.

"No filthy cussing?" Alice asked and both her and Rose laughed.

"Later," Edward, ah, said and winked at me.

I rubbed my nose with my middle finger, Alice may be tiny, but she could be a really big bitch sometimes. I glanced at the food and my stomach got so excited. I filled a plate for me and a plate for Budge, since I was eating for two. I only had ten weeks left to use my pregnancy as an excuse to eat.

"Just think next year two more people will be here," Alice said with a big grin.

I glanced around the table and thought Budge would be one, but who was the other one, oh, Rose's new husband, yeah probably.

"It might take a while to get pregnant," Rose said to Alice and I almost burst into tears that she wasn't getting a new husband.

Everyone's attention was drawn to ugly Emma when she picked up a tiny spoon and managed a small bit of potatoes. I slid lower in my chair and stopped eating my potatoes with my finger. I realized ugly Emma was a freak and her brilliance was just as irritating as her father's ignorance.

Since everyone was focused on babies it naturally turned the conversation to me. I was now using my fork and didn't want to stop the shoveling to talk. "Belly," Rose started. "Do you have any idea how much Edward wants a baby."

I looked at my husband and wondered where this conversation was going. I nodded, so I could keep eating.

"A little Edward would be so cute," she continued and I glanced at Emmett. Maybe she was getting a new husband after all and set her sights on mine.

Edward, ah, looked really, really nervous as he continued to eat. I looked back at Rose for her to make her point.

"I just think it would be really sweet to name your baby after Edward, since he wants a baby so badly," she said to finally get it all out in the open.

I continued eating as I turned to look at Edward, gah, and his body language told me he was in on this intervention. I took my last bite of green bean casserole and sat back to chew as I tried really hard to think about my words before I used them.

"Edward, gah," I said boldly. "If Tanya had your son, would she have named him Edward, Jr.?"

He paled a little and mumbled a quick, "Probably."

"And if Jessica managed to have your son, and you were certain it was yours, would he be named Edward, Jr.?"

"Yeah," Edward said, and his voice was much higher, telling me his testicles were hiding high inside his body.

"Do you want a son from Tanya or Jessica?" I said and pulled my hand into fists in case he said, yes.

"No, love," he answered and tried not to smile, obviously not seeing my fists.

"So, Budge isn't a problem?" I asked to end the conversation.

"Not for me," he said and Rose called him a filthy name under her breath which I'm sure ugly Emma could spell out with her peas.

We all went back to eating and when Emmett sat back and burped really loudly I didn't say a word, because I wasn't sure if it was something I would be doing in the near future. Rose glared at her ogre, but Ugly Emma giggled and I liked her better now.

Everyone helped clean up the mess and the women decided to go for a walk before dessert. I put on one of Edward's, ah, sweatshirt and a cap on my head. We walked behind the house through the woods. The trees got thicker and the forest got darker as we chatted and walked without paying attention.

Finally, Alice looked around. "We better head back," she said with a bit of fear in her voice. We tried to simply turn around but trees blocked our path at various places and soon we were going in the wrong direction. We tried yelling for our husbands, but the more we screamed the more terrified we got.

We finally stumbled onto an old shack in the middle of nowhere. It was deserted and dusty and only contained a single bed and a chair, not even a rocking chair.

"Do you think the guys will start looking for us?" Rose asked and I had faith in Edward, ah, but nothing would interrupt Emmett's football watching.

"If not, who do we eat first," I said and both women looked at me like I was serious. I mean, come on Alice would only make one decent appetizer. I focused on Rose and said, "We may have to drink your breast milk."

"You're not touching my tits," she said with a chuckle.

"The stress may put you into labor," Alice said to me and I began begging Budge not to Budge.

We sat quietly, trying to decide who to cannibalize when we heard voices. We all jumped up and ran outside and began calling for help. Two people walked into our view and I wanted to be left for dead. Jake, barf, and Leah looked at us like we were interrupting their holiday humping. I looked at Jake, barf, and then back at the shack and groaned loudly. It was all just so gross.

Leah looked at me hatefully and said, "You're pregnant?"

"No, I ate a watermelon," I said cynically because when I was little a pregnant woman told me that and I believed for years every pregnant woman I saw was hogging all the watermelon.

Leah laughed and looked at Jake, barf, when she said, "I would have loved to see Charlie's face when he found out."

"She's married," Jake, barf, said, "To Jessica's ex husband."

Damn, he could have left out that last little nugget.

Leah fell over in laughter and I really hated that it was Thanksgiving and we had to be peaceful with the natives. But, if she thought her laughter would make me think any less of my wall pounding God, she was mistaken.

I smiled and let out my own little nugget of information. "Jessica lied to Edward, ah, and pretended to be innocent. She didn't have to pretend with Jake, barf, when he made a sex tape with her." I leaned closer and whispered, "And she was still married when he did it."

"I was helping you steal her husband," Jake, barf, said angrily.

"I wasn't stealing her husband; I already stole him when you made the tape. It was just to keep his money out of her whorish hands." I leaned in again and whisper, "She faked it with Jake, barf."

"What did you do, watch it over and over again?" Jake, barf, said to spare his pride.

"Yeah, and she faked it every time," I grinned.

"I need to get home to my daughter, can you tell us how to get back home," Rosalie said, growing tired of the pissing contest between me and the pissess.

Jake, barf, turned and pointed, but I wasn't born yesterday. Even ugly Emma was bright enough to know Jake, barf, would lie to me and laugh when buzzards picked at our bones. They were not getting any alone time until Jake, barf, brought one of our husbands here to get us.


	10. Chapter 10

Name: Tilt

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter: 10

**Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight Characters, no matter how weird I make them.**

* * *

Chapter: 10

We were all at an impasse. I refused to leave, Leah refused to stay, Rose and Alice wanted to go home, and Jake, barf, was stuck with four women bitching at him. He paced back and forth like a wild dog and finally made a decision.

"Okay, I'll take Bella with me, Leah; you wait here while I get their husbands. I'll have them drive me back and get rid of these two," he said and everyone finally agreed.

He walked over to Leah and gave her a kiss as he fondled her ass, just to make sure she didn't lose the mood while he was gone. I rolled my eyes and remembered when he used to pull that move with me. He set out in the woods and I tried to keep up with him, but he had a girl cooling down so he was trying to set a time record.

I stumbled a couple of times and finally in an attempt to catch up with him I smacked my forehead right into a limb. It scraped across my flesh and warm blood began running down my face. "Would you wait for me," I screamed and Jake, barf, looked back in horror.

"Oh God, what did you do?" he said and ran back to help me.

"I was trying to keep up with you, why are you practically running?" I asked, but I already knew the answer.

He surprised me by saying, "I feel weird being alone with you."

"I make everyone feel weird, so you don't have to run," I said and he pulled his shirt off to hold against my cut.

I looked at his body, because he was right up in my grill, but also because he had a damn nice body. I didn't feel like I was betraying Edward, ah, if I had my shirt off I know Jake, barf, would have looked. "You're not a skinny kid anymore," I told him honestly.

"Look, who's talking," he teased and placed his hand on Budge.

I swear I could be standing in the middle of the Sahara desert and a Bedouin would come dragging a camel by just as something looked suggestive. Our guys had begun looking for us and guess what; they found us, just as Jake stood shirtless with his hand on my stomach. Edward looked like someone reached in his chest cavity and ripped out his heart.

He stopped walking in my direction and turned to run. I couldn't run because Jake, barf, was blocking my path and my head would begin bleeding again. I screamed for him, but he didn't stop. I looked at Jasper and wanted him to blow his bugle so the infantry would come to my aid.

Jasper came with me, while Emmuck followed Jake, barf, back to the shack for the other women. I looked at Jasper in despair and begged for the truth. "Do you think Edward will give me a chance to explain?"

"I don't know, Bella, he is pretty fragile emotionally. He doesn't believe someone like you can really love him."

"Like me?" I asked, and wasn't sure if he was complimenting me or insulting me.

"Yeah, God, Bella, he worships you. He feels you are way too good for him and you'll wake up someday and wonder why you are with him."

I stopped walking and gasped loudly. It was insane for Edward, ah, to think I was too good for him. He was so amazing and made my life worth living. We began walking again and I couldn't even keep up with the conversation. I thought Edward, ah, got me. I thought he understood how much I loved him, but he was only_ trying_ to understand my squiggle and only understood squares. If I wanted to make my husband believe I loved him, I had to become a square.

If it was anyone else in the world I would tell them to piss off, but it was Edward, ah, and if I had to change to keep him, I would. When the houses came into view I headed to my own house, and saw Edward's, ah, car was gone.

I was crying by the time I got through the back door and stood in the middle of my open floor plan and tried to see things as the rest of the world did. My staircase curved and the pictures lining the wall were all silly, unusual pictures of me and Edward, ah, and our dogs. We were sticking out our tongues or crossing our eyes as we laughed in each one.

I walked upstairs removing the pictures as I climbed. I walked into our bedroom and looked at the rain lamp with the naked woman standing among the leaves. I pulled a chair over and took down the hanging lamp. My eyes caught the wild colored towels with the wild patterns hanging from our towel rack in the bathroom and walked over to exchange them with two beige towels.

My entire house was so full of me, but where was Edward, ah. I walked down to his office, which I had insisted be an octagon and sat at his desk. I saw a small notebook and opened it to find a list of possible Christmas gifts he was considering for me. The next page was a list of baby names; Budge, was not on there anywhere.

His office was full of clean lines and classic pieces. He was so much like his mother and the man I thought I knew didn't really even exist. He was pretending to be something he wasn't so this wife wouldn't cheat on him.

I picked up the phone and dialed his cell. He didn't answer so I left a message. "You didn't see what you thought you saw, Edward. I cut my head and Jake used his shirt to stop the bleeding. He wasn't touching me lovingly; he was teasing me about being fat. Please come home, because I can't live without you. I'll change, Edward. I promise I'll be the kind of wife you want."

I wanted to say so much more, but my voice broke and I couldn't continue. If I lost my husband everything in my life would cease to have meaning. Hoser began following me though the house as I struggled to make everything look squarish. He could tell something was wrong and missing Edward, too.

I finally took a shower, got some ice for my forehead, and got my pillow and blanket and made a place to sleep on the floor by the door. I soon realized it wasn't something normal pregnant women would do, so I got up and slept on the couch.

Edward never came home and by morning I was a mess. I pulled out some maternity clothes, a classic sweater and jeans and dressed before going to look for Edward. I felt some relief when I saw his car at the club. I used my key to let me in and found him passed out in his office with a bottle still in his hand.

I knelt down by his head and looked into his beautiful face. I was so lucky to have him, why would he think I would cheat on him, especially with somebody so juvenile and disgusting as Jake. I ran my fingers through his hair and he mumbled something incoherently.

"Edward," I called to him.

"No," he said, "Ahsidkengie"

I tried to let the squiggle interpreter kick in, but even it couldn't decipher what he said.

"Honey, can I take you home?" I asked him.

"I don haf a home," he slurred and I felt tears sting my eyes.

I let a couple of sobs break free and tried again. "Don't you love me anymore?" I asked him.

He opened only one eye and it was so glassy I could tell he was very, very drunk. "Bella," he said and pointed a swaying finger at me. "Yur jus like Jess."

Say what? He just jumped the shark. I was going to try and I mean really, really try to be a square. He could have called me stupid, weird, or psycho, but I was not going to put up with him calling me Jessica, suck anything, Stanley, Oh hell no!

I went out and got a trash can full of water and dumped it right over his face. He jumped up as he sputtered and yelled like a little girl.

"Budge, cover your ears," I said and put my hands on my hips and looked right at Edward, gah. "Don't ever accuse me of cheating on you again. I told you, I DON'T CHEAT. You married Jessica because you were so freaking stupid; don't push your stupidity off on me. If you see a man touching your woman demand to know what is going on. Yell at me, or punch him, but if you ever run off without telling me where you're going and stay away all night, you'll come home to find the locks changed. I'm going home to put my shit back up, when you're sober try to dick up and come home."

I stomped out of the club and felt my soul breathe a sigh of relief. Things were going to change, there was a new sheriff in town, hopefully to take Emmett's job, but I digress. Edward, gah, was going to learn to trust in love, and I was going to….wait, I wasn't doing anything wrong, so I didn't have to do shit. And this maternity shirt was so damn ugly it was going right into the fireplace.

I had my house back in squiggle shape and giving a recipe a try, not just glancing at it, but actually following the directions, when Edward came in. "Look what the cat dragged in," I said and wondered if cats really did drag astonishing things into people's homes.

Edward, gah, kept his eyes closed and felt his way to the kitchen chair and sat down. I got some aspirin and a cup of coffee and put it in front of him. "I have a sledge hammer in my head," he said in just a whisper and took the medication.

I purposefully dropped a pan from the cupboard and he grabbed his head in pain. "Sorry," I said loudly.

"I know you ripped me a new one, but I don't know why," he said as he kept his head in his hands.

"You called me Jessica," I said to remind him and his head snapped up and his eyes opened wide.

"I don't know what it is going to take for you to trust in my love. I'm having your child, not so I'll be connected to you, but because I want to raise a child with you. I want you to be the grumpy dad who bitches about the lights being left on, and yells at Budge to mow the lawn. I want to be exhausted because I was up all night thinking I heard my child cry, and helping with homework and school projects. I want a life with you, not just wall pounding sex. It's your heart that means the most to me, not your dangler.

He opened his mouth but I interrupted him. "And you better start getting used to the name, Budge, because that list in your office is never going to happen."

"I'll get some help," he said and I wasn't really sure what help he was talking about so I kept quiet so he would add more.

"When I saw him touching you, I just…."

"Can you imagine how I could feel knowing you were married to Jessica? It doesn't bother me because I am the one wearing your ring and having your baby. If I wanted Jake, barf, I would tell you. I don't want him."

"I came home from school early one day, because I was feeling sick. I felt so happy when I saw Tanya was home, because I needed someone to take care of me. I thought I would be babied and given soup and popsicles. I know it sounds stupid, but I was twenty-one and had the pressures of school and a wife. I walked in to find her in bed with our landlord's son. She actually convinced me it was my fault for studying so much."

I looked at his slumped shoulders and empty eyes and I ached for him.

"When Jessica told me it was her life's dream to be a wife and take care of her husband, I wanted it so badly I was blinded to everything else. I was looking for something to write down a phone number and pulled open her makeup drawer. It was full of pictures of her with other men in our bed. I hear the words you tell me Bella, I really do, but my heart doesn't know how to believe them."

"I'm making stew," I said and smiled softly at him. "I'm following a recipe because I'm trying to make stew for you. Aside from the side effects of pregnancy I wash your clothes and clean the house. I reach out for you in our bed and sleep in your arms. I take care of you every day, because I love you."

He got up and walked over to kneel next to me. His arms wrapped around me and he put his mouth against my stomach to kiss our child as he kissed my flesh.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"Hoser is upset; you'll need to spend some extra time with him."

"Do you forgive me?" he asked with emotion and I pulled his chin up to look at me.

"I'll always forgive you."

"Did you put medicine on that cut?" he asked as his eyes focused on my forehead.

"No, Jake, barf, licked it with his tongue and then spread semen on it," I said.

He leaned his mouth against my stomach and spoke clearly. "We'll find a new mommy for you, Budge."

I gasped and couldn't help the smile that spread across my face, "You called him, Budge."

"Yes, God help me, I did."


	11. Chapter 11

Name: Tilt

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter: 11

**Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight Characters, no matter how weird I make them.**

* * *

Chapter: 11

Once we cleared the air, although it was never actually dirty, it just needed a good waxing, Edward, ah, set up an appointment with a counselor. It was excruciating, and I didn't even go. He came home talking about potty training and being weaned off the breast too early. I found that odd since Esme tried to breastfeed me when I was twenty-four.

It seemed like Edward's, ah, issues didn't start with a cheating wife but with a demanding father and a pushy mother. I don't know, I think his insecurities with relationships had more to do with all the men doing his wives than his mom giving him a cup too early, but I'm not a professional.

I tried to make it obvious how much I took care of him, but for some reason he thought I was pointing out how much work I do around the house and began helping out more. Budge continued to grow, stretching my skin at an alarming rate. We decided to have a small Christmas since our real gift was coming in seven weeks.

I insisted on a real tree and decorated it with photo's of Edward, ah, and me on Christmas's throughout our lives. I got frames of all sizes and made copies of our childhood pictures. Turns out it was such a great idea I made the newspaper. A reporter came to take a picture of my tree of pictures so now I had a new picture to add to the picture tree.

Rosalie was furious that we covered our house in lights. She said understated was in vogue. But when a house only gets one chance a year to be covered in colored lights it shouldn't have to be understated. My house looked like it was having fun at a carnival or something. We put out some lighted reindeer but Hoser chewed them up and Sami was terrified of the huge blow up Santa.

I bought Edward, ah, one present, but he put several under the tree for me after bringing up the fact he needed me to come to a counseling session with him. Squiggles don't do well with counseling. I'm positive they only let squares into that profession, squares with really strong arms to mold other shapes into squares.

We showed up bright and early to our appointment, because I noticed throughout my life squares don't really like early mornings. It evened the playing field a bit. Wow, that's how things should be solved, on a playing field. A rousing game of tether ball to decide if Edward's, ah, parents messed him up, or his whorish wives. Then hop scotch to decide the name of our child. I was confident I would win, Edward, ah, had really huge feet.

The counselor walked into the room to the sound of du, du, dummm and I looked around to see if anyone else heard it. The man was young, God, nothing was worse than young squares. He gave me a courteous nod and then opened a notebook, a square notebook.

"When are you due?" he asked me and I quickly looked around for stirrups. Surely, he wasn't going to check me, was he?

"End of February, first of March," I said and he didn't like my squiggly answer.

"You don't have a due date?" he pressed.

"My due date is March fifth, but he's going to be born in February," I said with a sigh and Edward, ah, chuckled a bit.

The young doctor looked like he had tons of question but wasn't sure where to start so I finally said, "Are you going to ask Edward, ah, anything?"

"We're going to play a little game," Dr. Minton said and I looked around for the ping pong paddles or the Twister pad. "Have you ever done free association? I'll say a word and you say the first thing that comes to your mind without giving it any thought."

I almost cried, there was a game specifically designed for squiggles.

"Edward, you'll go first. Child," Dr. Minton said.

"Love," Edward, ah, answered.

"Money."

"Lies."

"Trust."

"Lies," Edward, ah, said again and Dr. Minton wrote something in his notebook.

"Women."

Edward, ah, sighed because he was going to use the word lies again, but went with, "Deception."

My guy wasn't very good at this game and I couldn't wait for my turn. Dr. Minton wrote for a moment and then turned to me. I smiled and sat forward as if it was a timed event.

"Love," he said.

"Chalk," I answered quickly.

"Baby."

"Food," I tossed right back.

"Kiss."

"Secret," I blurted out and Edward, ah, gave me a weird look and Dr. Minton wrote furiously.

"Mother."

"Fucker," I said and then gasped and covered my mouth as I laughed.

"I'm sorry," Dr. Minton said with a laugh, "I usually don't ask for explanations but I just have to know. Chalk?" he asked.

"Yeah, when you love someone it makes you think of a heart. And it makes me want to draw hearts all over my sidewalk and driveway." I turned to look at Edward, ah, and said, "I would draw hearts all down our squiggly driveway if I had chalk."

"I'll get you some," he said and ran his finger through my hair as I grinned widely.

"What about food, for the word, baby?" Dr. Minton said to get our attention.

"Baby carrots, baby squash, baby corn."

"I see," he said and then leaned closer and said, "Secret for kiss?"

"Oh, I can't say," I said and looked nervously at Edward, ah.

"I think it is vital to your relationship to say," Dr. Minton said and placed his hand on Edward's, ah, knee for emotional support, or, because he found my guy hot, too.

"Um…okay, don't get mad Edward, ah," I said and watched the blood drain from his face. "Do you remember at the Halloween party when Carmen Miranda asked for a picture and then kissed you?"

"Yeah," he answered with confusion all over his face.

"Carmen was a Car Man," I said and looked away.

"What?" he asked.

"Eric kissed you. It was Eric dressed as Carmen Miranda."

"But I saw James kissing her all night," he said as he struggled to understand why someone macho like James would be kissing Eric.

"Eric has been hitting that ever since you rejected him," I pointed out and Edward stared in shock.

I looked at Dr. Feelgood and decided to explain my last answer so he wouldn't have to ask. "I said Fucker to Mother because Edward, ah, says that a lot when he orgasms."

My guy blushed and the doctor wrote furiously again. He finally looked up and said, "Now, let's discuss the need for an unusual name for your baby."

Wait, wait, wait a second. Our baby's name had nothing to do with Edward's, ah, trust issues. I wasn't the one coming for a psychological examination, I had plenty of those as a child when I let all the animals lose from the science lab and they never found the snake.

"It isn't a need," I said angrily. "I need Edward, ah, to trust I love him. I need Edward, ah, to believe I will never leave him, and I need Edward, ah, to know we will do everything it takes to keep our marriage together. I'm naming my son Budge because it is what I want to name him."

"What if it is a girl?" the doctor asked.

"It's not," I said with force.

He finally, finally turned to Edward, ah, and spoke to him. "What can Bella do to help you know she loves you?"

"I don't know, I keep waiting for the hook. She doesn't seem interested in my money; she encourages my singing but doesn't push me to do it for recognition. I gave her a platinum card and she hasn't even used it."

I looked at the doctor and smiled, "It is so pretty, do you want me to show it to you?"

"Why haven't you used it?" Dr. Delver asked.

"For what?" I asked.

"For stuff you want," he tried to explain.

"I don't want anything," I shrugged.

"You don't like to shop?" he asked with a hint of disbelief and I wondered who worked with him on his trust issues.

"I love to shop," I spoke up. "Especially at the grocery store, they give out free samples."

The doctor turned back to Edward, ah, and asked, "Why does it bother you she doesn't use the card?"

"Because it is all I have to give to her, if she doesn't want my money I have nothing else to offer," he said and wouldn't look at me.

"You have plenty to offer," I said with a snort that I meant to be a huff.

The room was quiet for a moment and Edward, ah, finally asked, "You mean sex?"

"No," I said angrily and then quickly added, "Yes," in case he thought I didn't want sex anymore. "You have your gorgeous body sure, but I'm talking about your kindness and gentleness, your intelligence and business sense, your parents who accepted me when I was the last thing they wanted for you. Your love of children and dogs, but mostly your patience and understanding with me."

Edward, ah, looked at the doc and said, "I'm a lucky man."

"You're a stupid man," I mumbled and the doctor gave me a stupid look for calling a fragile, love doubting man, stupid.

"Don't look at me like that," I said to Dr. Omnipotent. "He is stupid to put me in the same category as lying Tanya and whore Jessica. I don't lump him in with Jake, barf, and Riley, gag."

"Riley?" Edward, ah, asked. Damn, did I say that out loud? Crap.

"He met Jessica at church," I said to put the conversation back on my fragile man.

"Who's Riley?" Edward, gah, pushed since he wasn't easily distracted like I was.

"He was the guy I, you know, lost it with," I said and quickly brought up Jessica again to deflect.

"Your virginity?" Edward, gah, asked. I would pay a million bucks for him to have Emmett's small brain for the next hour.

"You weren't a virgin either," I pointed out and he suddenly kept his mouth shut making me ask, "Was Tanya your first?"

Dr. Big Nose spoke so we would both focus back onto him. "I think this is a safe environment to discuss the loss of virginity, who would like to go first?"

"You," I said and Edward, gah, looked at me to see I was looking at Dr. Horndog. If we had to spill, so did he.

"That's not appropriate," he said and I heard, "I'm a big chicken and can't tell you because it may have been Eric."

"I'm not letting him get all hot and bothered over my story," I said to Edward, gah, and his eyes narrowed.

"It's a story that will get him hot and bothered?" Edward, gah, asked angrily.

"The way I plan on telling it, he will," I said with a smile and my guy actually laughed. We didn't need this pencil neck to help us; we were capable of talking and sharing right after Edward, ah, pounded on a wall. I stood and held out my hand. "Let's go home and see if Rose can hear your profanity before we talk about all of this."

The doctor, who had been most likely planning his new swimming pool with Edward's, ah, admission he had lots of money, stood and tried to salvage his prize patient. "I need more time with Edward to help him see things clearly."

Edward, ah, squeezed my hand and smiled before saying, "I think I see just fine."

We rushed out to the car and sat inside as we kissed and groped each other, maybe he didn't mean to grope me, but my huge boobs were kind of in his way, so he groped. He drove home quickly and I really hoped it would be Ben or Emmett to pull us over and not my father. Luckily, we made it home cop free, except my boobs, they were copped a lot.

We didn't make it upstairs and since I was sporting a bowling ball in front of me I was spared the bottom position. Edward, ah, didn't seem to mind the spot and beat the floor with his fists as I sat like Jabba the Hutt on top of him.

When we were both lucid again he rubbed my belly gently and asked, "Now, who is Riley?"

"I moved to Seattle and in with Rose, she met a really awful guy, who she ended up marrying. He had a friend named Riley, who was a bit more tolerable. They took us to a party without realizing girls can't drink as much as guys, so Rose and I were wasted…and underage."

"He took advantage of you drunk," he asked angrily.

"No, they took us to Riley's place to keep an eye on us, or from telling anyone they gave us beer. We woke up the next morning and Rose decided she was in love. I think it had more to do with Emmett's muscles than his personality and intellect. So she climbed out of the bed she was in with me, and into his. I figured if she was going to lose her virginity, I was too."

"Rose has only been with Emmett?" he asked with wide eyes.

"No," I laughed. "They broke up off and on because he wasn't around very much…hey, yeah, he was in the military, it makes sense now."

"Back to Riley," Edward, gah, pressed.

"He walked into the room and said he had been kicked out of the bed by Rose. I scooted over and he climbed in with me. We didn't have any big discussion or anything. He asked if I wanted to 'ride the wild monkey,' and I shrugged and then nodded."

"He actually said those words?" my sweet talking man asked.

"Yes, he did, but it wasn't that wild, it was more like riding the scared sloth."

"Did he know you were a virgin?"

"He did when I ruined his sheets, but it wouldn't have mattered. He was way to square to let go in bed. I bet C3PO was less stiff then Riley, well, except for where it counted."

"Did it make you hate sex?" Edward, gah, asked as if taking a poll.

"No, it made me very determined to do it right," I said and he laughed.

"So who taught you to do it right?" he asked and I rolled my eyes because he really, really, didn't understand how freaking amazing he was as a lover.

"I met this guy who had a squiggle pen, and a filthy mouth, but he could do it twice in one evening before writing something incredible on my arm." I watched his mouth form a smile and his chest stuck out a bit with pride.

"Do you still have the pen?" he asked seductively.

Ah, shit!


	12. Chapter 12

Name: Tilt

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter: 12

**Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight Characters, no matter how weird I make them.**

* * *

Chapter: 12

How do you explain to a sensitive man that when his whore of a wife's daddy told me never to call again I passed on our symbol of love to the gay guy who wanted to do him from behind. I took my own advice and lied quickly and thoroughly. I said, "It was in your desk, did you lose it?"

"It's small, it must be in there somewhere," he said and I nodded as if I totally believed him. I knew from experience squiggle pens were not easy to come by, making Edward's, ah, gift to Eric so much better than the rainbow pen Eric gave to him.

I wasn't going to let Edward, ah, make me confess my los of virginity story without sharing his own, unless he had another squiggle pen, I would lose all focus if he pulled out one of those.

"So Tanya wasn't your first?" I asked and watched him turn pale again.

"Um…no, Bella, I want you to think really hard, are you sure you want to hear this story?" he asked and now I really, really wanted to hear the story, without even thinking hard.

I checked to make sure I still had his ring and was still pregnant, so yeah, I wanted to hear the story. "Go ahead, I'm ready," I said.

"After my first semester of College I went home to Atlanta with Jasper to meet his family. We all went to this small pond one night to skinny dip and things kind of…"

"You lost your virginity to Jasper?" I screamed because I was NOT ready for that.

"God, no," he said and smacked my butt. "His sister, Analise."

I tried really hard to rearrange the words. I knew Analise, she was there for the tomato fiasco. She glared at me at the wedding as if I gave away her pin number by talking about her brother's penchant for tables. She knew my man, intimately, taking advantage of his lack of swimwear when he was but a child.

"Isn't she older than you?" I asked and wanted to hear she was fifty when she found him naked in the mud.

"Five years," he said. "I think she viewed me as a project,"

"So she drags her old ass to the pond and decides to corrupt a boy and the Whitlocks see nothing wrong with it?" I asked in shock, since they found Alice so offensive at first.

"I flirted shamelessly with her, and we were drinking at the pond, so it wasn't like I was begging her to leave me alone," he said and I realized yet again, my guy just didn't know how to pick decent women, aside from me of course.

I wanted to point out Edward, gah, was northern, but I remembered the Whitlocks didn't mind diddling people from the north; they just didn't want them in their family. "Did you pound on the ground?" I asked and he looked away before saying, "water."

"What?" I asked and leaned over to look at his face.

"We did it in the water," he clarified and then quickly added, "And no, I didn't slap the water or cuss. It was more of an Educational session."

"Like tab A goes into slot B?" I asked sadly.

"I wasn't that naïve," he laughed.

I smiled and decided to ask one last question before moving on to a different subject, "When you went to Barney's that night, did you plan on sleeping with me?"

He reached up with his hand and held my check in his palm. "I hoped you would dance with me, I never dreamed I would go to your house."

Ah, he would have been happy with just a dance. Damn, I should have only danced with him; it would have spared us a lot of problems.

"When we had sex it was so intense I felt like I left a bit of myself with you. I knew at that moment you would have my baby, I just thought he would have a real name," Edward, gah, laughed and I leaned over and licked his face.

We finally made it up to our bed and took a nap before Edward, ah, left for the club. I got on the internet and began searching for a squiggle pen as fast as possible. I also did a little Google search of Analise Whitlock, the child molester. She had freaky eyes, just like her brother, no wonder she did him in the dark and in the water.

Christmas day we refused to leave the house. If anyone wanted to see us or get a gift, they had to come by our house. We woke up early and I raced Edward, ah, to the tree. Either he let me win, or he really sucks at running.

He handed me a gift and asked me to open it first. I ripped off the paper to find a gorgeous bracelet and the links were lemniscates. "I love it," I told him and held out my arm for him to put it on. He quickly handed me another gift and I opened it just as quickly. It was a small charm of a pearl heart.

"You stole my heart the moment I met you," Edward, ah, said and attached it to the bracelet before handing me another package.

I was feeling greedy and opened it a bit slower to find a diamond charm. "Edward, ah, this is too much," I said as tears filled my eyes.

"This symbolizes our marriage," he said and placed it on the bracelet. I was staring at it when he handed me another package.

I took a deep breath and opened the box to find colored chalk. "Yes," I yelled and wanted to run outside to draw hearts this very moment.

I grabbed his gift from under the tree and held it out to him, but he sat it down and grabbed another small box. "No, Edward, ah, I'm not hanging gold bullion from my bracelet."

He smiled and leaned over to kiss me before setting the box in my hand. I opened it to find a tiny piece of driftwood, a gorgeous undefined shape. Oh, I get it, he's giving me our history to wear on my arm, man, I really hope I don't have to wear a miniature dangler.

The final box had two charms, a boat and a house. I loved my historic bracelet and kept jiggling it on my wrist. "I have one more charm, but you don't get it until I can hold my child in my arms," he said and I could see his eyes grow wet with anticipation.

"Open your present," I said and bounced up and down as he slowly removed the wrapping.

He looked at the book I had made for him and opened it to see nothing but pictures of us together. Page after page held pictures of us smiling and touching one another. If he ever doubted in my love all he had to do was look at the book. On the last page I wrote him a letter. He sat quietly as he read and I tried to judge his reaction. He finally raised his head and said, "I love you, more than I can articulate."

I was sitting on the luv sack and wanted to rush into his arm. I tried to rise, I even raised my leg to get some momentum, but I didn't have any strength left in my abdomen to propel me forward. I was stuck. I held out my hand and Edward, gah, smiled and took a step back.

"You're not going to help me up?" I asked in shock.

"I want to see how you work this out," he said with a smirk and I was so going to wipe that smirk off his face, if I get up, I mean when I get up.

"Hoser," I called out, but Edward, gah, just grinned more and informed me they were locked on the mud porch. I finally did the only think I could, I rolled to my side and got on all fours with my butt proudly on display and heard my jeans rip.

Edward, gah, fell onto the couch in laughter and I stood and grabbed a candy cane from the tree, ready to sodomize him with it when my parents knocked on the door. I pulled a sweater from the coat rack and wrapped it around my waist before answering the door.

My dad looked at Edward's, gah, laughing face and then at my furious face before asking, "Is something going on?"

"I'm fat, daddy," I cried and he held me in his arms.

"You're not fat, princess. You're still wearing your regular jeans," he said to make me feel better but I cried louder and Edward, gah, laughed louder.

"She hasn't zipped them for months and she just blew out the back," Edward, gah, said and tried to reach for me. I moved out of his grasp and held onto my daddy.

"Edward, gah, felt me up at work," I said and stood back to allow the shooting to start. I just forgot to add the fact it was two years ago and he was married to crotch rot at the time.

My father got a nervous look on his face and finally said softly to Edward, gah, "Yeah, um, wives don't like that."

Edward, gah, quickly covered my mouth with his hand and assured my father he would control himself at the club from now on. I took a swing at his dangler but he was too fast for me and I missed him completely. I marched angrily up to my room and pulled out a pair of maternity pants. I stared at them with confusion. Did the stretchy part go in front or back? It was the back I split, but the front was growing quickly. I finally decided to put it in the front and headed downstairs to collect my gifts.

I grabbed Edward's, gah, guitar on the way down and he looked at it, terrified I was planning to toss it into the fireplace. I handed it to him and listened as he began playing various Christmas tunes. My mother handed me a gift and she was anxious for me to open it. I stared at the box of plaster and wasn't sure what it was.

"You make a mold of your belly, so you have a cast of your child while it is still inside of you," she said and Edward, gah, stopped playing to look at the box with excitement.

"So what is it used for afterwards?" I asked.

"It is just a cast, like art work," she said.

I looked at the instructions and saw I could mold my breasts and stomach as one piece. I could see so many possibilities, but a chip and dip bowl came to mind first. We could throw a huge party with a bowl that large.

I gave my mother a hug and handed over the gifts we purchased for them. I got my mother a purse she had been hinting about and my dad a box of Barnes bullets, which he almost jumped up and down over. Another knock sounded and Rose, ugly Emma, and the thing walked in.

"Merry Christmas," Rose said. She sat ugly Emma down to show off her outfit, a red dress with a crinoline slip, making her look like a tiny ballerina. She had on candy cane covered tights and little black patent leather shoes.

Everyone began making over how well she walked for an eleven month old, but I didn't think it was anything spectacular. I handed Rose a gift bag, with the makeup carrier she hinted at, so she hugged me for paying attention. I got Emmett the toy from a happy meal, but damn that Edward, gah, bought him something to go along with it, a game for his Wii.

Ugly Emma opened her gift without any assistance, starting from the ends and not even tearing the paper, the little freak. I got her an abacus, and the ugly cute girl pointed at a bead and said, "Red." And guess what, it was red. Rose gushed over the gift, while me and Emmett planned to have ugly Emma explain to us how it worked when no one was around to hear.

Next to arrive were the Cullens. Our fathers sat off to the side making small talk and acting like they would rather be anywhere but stuck making small talk with each other.

Esme handed me and Edward, gah, a gift to open together. It was some sort of radio thingy made out of bright colors. "Wow," Edward, gah, said and hugged his mother.

I managed to get really close to him and whispered, "What is it?"

"It is a surveillance system. We can watch the baby's room on any computer and hear him anywhere in the house."

"Like walkie talkies?" I asked.

"Kind of, think of Skype mixed with a walkie talkie," he said and watched me try to work it out in my mind. I'm sure he thought I was imagining Budge crying for a bottle as we watched him on a screen, but I was imagining us having sex while in separate rooms and watching each other on the screen as we moaned into the radios, but yeah, we could use it in the baby's room, too.

"Have you chosen a name for the baby yet?" Esme asked and the room got silent, even ugly Emma looked at me.

I glanced at Edward, gah, to save me, but he was sitting with his head down. Ugly Emma had bigger balls than Edward, gah. I took a deep breath and said, "Budge Q. Cullen."

Rose reached out and smacked Edward, gah, on the arm and he scooted away from her. My mother tried to smile and looked a bit guilty for giving birth to someone willing to name a baby Budge.

Carlisle was not one to keep quiet; he beat Microsoft once, so he felt entitled to speak. "Does it have some sort of meaning to you?"

"When I was little everyone said, 'Bella, don't you Budge,' and you shouldn't tell a child that. So I'm gonna name my child Budge and he can move whenever he wants. Also, I like the sound of the letter Q, not words that start with Q, but just the letter."

Carlisle looked at my dad and Charlie sat up a bit taller in case he had to defend his princess. He turned to his son and said with a tight jaw, "This is a joke, right?" Edward, ah, walked over to where I stood and put his arm around my shoulders.

"Tanya wanted to name a baby, Edward Ethan, and she cheated on me. Jessica wanted to name our child Edward Robert Anthony George, and she cheated on me." I wanted to laugh and point out she most likely cheated with Edward, Robert, Anthony, and George, but I kept quiet as he made his point.

"Bella wants to name our son, Budge Q., and she has never cheated on me, so I'm pretty good with that name. Is there anything you would like to say father?"

_In your face, you square_, I thought to myself, but the way everyone turned to look at me it must have been said out loud.


	13. Chapter 13

Name: Tilt

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter: 13

**Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight Characters, no matter how weird I make them.**

* * *

Chapter: 13

Christmas night we were lying in bed and Edward, ah, pulled out a present from under his pillow and handed it to me. It was flat, so I wasn't something to add to my bracelet. I pulled off the paper and saw a CD with Edward, ah, sitting on a piece of driftwood in the middle of an ocean.

"I recorded my songs, for you," he said and my heart took off in a sprint.

"This looks professional," I said and he nodded.

"I rented time in a sound studio."

I jumped up as fast as a pants splitting person can jump and put the CD in the stereo. The sound was amazing. The bass was rich and his voice was crystal clear. I stood in the middle of our bedroom and cried. How did I end up with such an astonishing guy? I realized two squiggles couldn't be together, we would most likely lose each other. A square and a squiggle would kill each other, but a lemniscates was perfection and he was my perfection.

"Why are you crying," he asked softly as he came up behind me and pulled me to his chest. His lips kissed my shoulder and the palms of his hands rested on our child.

"You brought me Oz," I said through my tears. "My world was black and white, but when I met you it turned to color, just like in The Wizard of Oz."

"There's no place like home," he whispered as he kissed up to my ear. "There's no place like home," he said again as his hands moved up to cup my breasts.

I reached behind my body to touch him and said with him, "There's no place like home." This time when he pounded on the wall I was praying for a house to land on Jessica.

We had three things to get through before Budge would arrive, Lamaze class, ugly Emma's first birthday party, and my baby shower. I wasn't sure which one I dreaded the most. I never gave much thought to having children and believed I would most likely get them off the internet like my bitchy sisters. So the mechanics of childbirth wasn't something I really looked into.

The class was held at the Port Angeles hospital and we walked in as Lamaze virgins, thinking we would be told about a magic tea or something soothing and then given parting gifts. We left with stunned faces and I wondered if Budge could attend kindergarten while still in my uterus.

Some woman, obviously a relative of Jessica's, allowed a camera to film her giving birth, like right up in her hoo hoo, and man, I have no idea what it is about vagina's that men love. I watched the screen, wondering if crotchless panties would have made it better, but there was nothing in the world more terrifying than a seven pound baby coming from somewhere extra large tampons struggled with.

I glanced at Edward, s.o.b., during the film and he sat with his legs crossed and his ass cheeks clenched. He wouldn't even look at me, and I so wanted to use my_, you did this to me,_ stare. I was denied critical need to know information regarding the birthing process. A video should come with your birth control pills as a warning.

We sat silent in the car for several moments before he turned and said, "It will be fine, Bella."

I continued to stare out the window and said softly, "Don't speak to me, ever."

"Okay," he said and sounded relieved, too.

We drove home in silence and I picked up the phone and called Rose to come right over. Edward, s.o.b., went to his office to gouge out his eyes as I sat at the table in shock.

Rose walked through the back door and came over to give me a hug. "It is harder to watch than to do," she said and I really seriously doubted it.

"I want an abortion," I blurted out and she laughed. Abortions weren't laughing matters and it wasn't like Rose to be so inappropriate. "I can't do it," I cried and began to shake. "I mean, they said first labors can last for hours. I'm going to have my child hanging from my personal squiggle for hours, Rose."

"Once you're ready to push it goes a lot faster," she said and I had no idea how I was going to get in there to push. "The greatest thing about childbirth is how quickly it leaves your memory. Once you hold your baby you would do it all over again. Just ask for an epidural and you won't feel a thing."

"Wait, what's that?" I asked and prayed I found a loophole.

"It is a needle in your spine to numb you. It is harder to push with it, but you don't feel anything."

"Okay, where do I get one?" I asked, planning to run to the store this very moment.

"When you get checked in at the hospital tell them you want an epidural and they will call an anesthesiologist to come put it in. Hasn't you doctor talked to you about all of this?"

"Maybe, I don't listen very often," I admitted but I was certainly going to make more of an effort from now on.

"Where's Edward?" she asked and looked around the parts of the house she could see from her seat.

"He's in his office, praising the Almighty for making him a male," I said and wasn't kidding.

She walked to his office to see if he needed a sedative and make sure he wasn't removing his own dangler after seeing what those damn things can cause. I got up and stood against the wall outside of his office to hear them talk.

"How did it go?" Rosalie asked him.

"I'm not usually a squeamish person," he said softly. "But damn."

She laughed loudly and said something that really shocked me. "Emmett has delivered three babies, one in Iraq, one on base as a M.P. and we used a birthing suite, so he delivered Emma. He could deliver a baby with one hand and eat a sandwich with another. Why don't you talk to him about what you're feeling?"

"Thanks, Rose. How's Bella processing everything?" he asked because my guy was so sweet, wait he caused this!

"If there is a way to give birth painlessly through your nose, Belly will find it," she said and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

I walked into his office after saying goodbye to Rose and Edward, s.o.b., held out his hand for me so I sat on his lap. He rubbed my stomach for a moment and then looked into my eyes. "Do you still love me?" he asked.

"Yes, but I hate your penis," I said with a pout. "I'm getting an epidural."

"Okay, I'm getting a blindfold," he said and I nodded with understanding. "You can name our child anything you want after doing what I witnessed tonight."

"Oh, you are going to give in way more than just a name. I pretty much own your ass for the rest of my life," I said and he smiled and nodded. Neither one of us got much sleep that night. I began reading everything I could get my hands on regarding child birth.

On the twentieth of January we walked across the frozen yard to attend ugly Emma's birthday party. She was now putting two words together, one more than Jasper usually did, and could put simple toddler puzzles together, which was more than Emmett could do.

When we walked in Rose told her to welcome us to her party. She said something unintelligible but I caught the word party. For all I know she told us to leave her effing party. Alice and Jasper came in right behind us and when our men hugged, it reminded me to bring up ol sis when I got a free chance.

Alice put her hands on my stomach and said, "We're trying for a baby, I hope I get pregnant soon."

"Do you know how babies are born?" I gasped and hoped to spare her the shock I had.

"Jasper and I want to have a water birth," she said and smiled at her husband who looked at her with his freaky eyes.

"The Whitlocks seem to have a thing for water," I said angrily and Edward, s.o.b., gave me a warning look, so I quickly asked, "What is a water birth?"

"You sit in a warm tub together with the lights low and soft music playing and the baby is born into the water so its first experience with life isn't traumatic."

This time people weren't staring at me like I just announced I was the antichrist. They were staring at Alice that way. What in the hell was she talking about, it wasn't the air that was traumatic, it was the damn birth canal. She could sit in a tube of champagne with a choir singing, When the Saints Come Marching In, and it was still going to be traumatic.

"What if your baby can't swim?" I asked her to break the silence.

"They're in water already," she tried to point out but I had more information now so I could refute her deduction.

"And if you recall they are trying to get out of the water, so wouldn't having them in water just piss them off or hurt their feelings?"

"No," she said angrily. "It transitions them slowly in a soothing way."

"So a tub of water makes up for smashing their head through your vagina? Because water aint fixing that," I laughed.

"Okay, the focus is on Emma today," Rose said to stop the vagina talk in her kitchen. "There's coffee over there and make a plate of food."

The Hale's arrived and a couple of couples from ugly Emma's Gymboree group. Edward, s.o.b., spent most of the evening talking about the clubs with Jasper; Emmett spent it putting together a big plastic kitchen to indoctrinate ugly Emma as to her place in the world.

I was sitting like a lump in the recliner when ugly Emma came up and handed me her doll as she said, "Bebe." Then she touched my stomach and said, "You bebe."

I picked up her doll and gave it a kiss before noticing it cried when you laid it down. I picked it up again and made it cry several times before I began having images of cutting open the back. "Here, take your bebe," I said to ugly Emma and she rocked it in her arms and said, "Bebe cwy."

"I didn't cut it," I said and got up to remove myself from her accusatory stare.

I walked into the kitchen to hear Rose and Alice talking about my baby shower. It would be easier to have it in Seattle, but I was the one that shouldn't travel that far away with only two weeks to go. Alice assured me they would set up car pools and everyone would make it to Rose's house.

"Are you sure you don't want some girl stuff, just in case?" Alice asked and I shook my head adamantly, knowing how much Edward, s.o.b., feared the color pink. "Jasper's family is coming to visit next month; I hope it isn't during the shower."

I looked over and the two men still talking and suddenly felt my stomach turn rock hard. I grabbed the back of a chair and said, "Ahhh."

My guy turned white as a ghost and jumped up to rush to my side. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"It didn't hurt, it just felt really weird," I said and moved to sit in the chair.

"Those are false labor pains," Rose said, "It is just your uterus preparing for birth. They go away when you lie down. You'll learn to just ignore them."

"Do you want to go lie down?" Edward, ah, asked me and I nodded feeling too emotional to speak.

He put my coat on for me, since false labor pains make you suddenly handicapped, and held me tightly as we walked back to our house. I went right to bed and waited, and waited, and waited. Not one more contraction was felt so I got up and did a few loads of wash while Edward, ah, Jasper, and Alice spent the evening at the Driftwood.

Things began to speed up. I went to doctor appointments every week, I watched the scale move up and up and up, the fake pains became more constant, and Budge decided his favorite spot was lying on my bladder with his heel kicking my ribs. When he moved my entire abdomen did the wave causing Edward, gah, to freak out and jump away from me.

"God, that looks like the movie Alien," he said to an emotionally drained, water retaining, sleep deprived, heartburn suffering woman.

"You want to talk about Alien," I screamed. "Let's talk about that junk hanging between your legs that can't decide if it should be hard or soft. It isn't that tough, pick one." I got out of bed and stomped off into the bathroom, since a drop of urine had formed in my bladder and had to be immediately released.

I came back to find Edward, s.o.b., waiting with some lotion and his music playing softly with the lights low. I thought he wanted sex, and it would cost him his life, but he quickly said, "Lie down and relax, Bella. I'll give you a lotion massage for your swollen feet." My lemniscates was the greatest man in the world and I really hope his dangler picked hard.


	14. Chapter 14

Name: Tilt

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter: 14

**Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight Characters, no matter how weird I make them.**

* * *

Chapter: 14

My mother took me shopping for a dress for my baby shower. She shopped while I sat in chairs with the white haired men waiting for their wives. One particularly funny grandpa said, "Did you eat a watermelon?"

"I remember you," I said and waddled off.

I had to choose between a baby blue dress with a white bow on the collar and a red long sleeved knit dress that flowed. So basically I could wear an adult sized baby dress, or a tent. "I don't want to wear these," I whined like a toddler to my mother.

"Honey, you'll look beautiful," she promised, just like she did when she bought me the sailor dress for school pictures and I wore it backwards because I hated the little nautical tie down the front.

"I want an orange dress," I said as I stomped my foot.

"It is February; you can't find orange this time of year. Plus, you'll look like a pumpkin," she said and I felt my shoulders slump.

We walked to the next shop and I gasped when I saw the perfect dress in the window. It was black and white with squiggles all over it. I rushed inside and asked the sales clerk where the dresses were like the one in the window. She pointed to the back wall and I waddled right to the line of squiggles. I found one in a bigger woman's size and rushed into the changing room.

With my large belly out front it fit perfectly. I stepped from the dressing room and my mother smiled, "Its perfect, Bella."

I pulled off the tag and handed it to the clerk, "I'll just wear it home." I was so happy with my dress I did something for Edward, ah. I dug out my platinum card and paid for the dress. He got home after midnight and I was waiting at the table with some wine for him and juice for me, sitting in my squiggle dress with full hair and makeup.

He stepped in the room and then froze. "What's the occasion?" he asked, terrified he forgot an occasion.

"It's been a long time, the walls miss you," I said and held out his glass.

"Is it okay?" he asked and looked at my stomach.

"It is much better than okay," I said and he dropped his coat onto the floor.

"I love the dress," he said softly as he took the wine glass and leaned in for a soft kiss.

"Won't it look great on our bedroom floor," I said and sipped my juice.

"It will look amazing on our bedroom floor," he said and downed most of his wine.

We joined hands and walked slowly up the stairs and into our bedroom. We stood next to the bed and he ran his fingers through my hair and whispered, "You look so beautiful, like a woman, not a young girl, and it makes my heart swell. Are you happy, Bella?"

"I want to make my husband happy," I answered him.

"Oh love, you make me happy every moment of every day."

"Show me," I said and he pulled me into his arms and kissed me as our child moved between us. We both knew it would most likely be the last time we made love before becoming parents, so we took our time, touching each other tenderly and moving slowly together.

He didn't pound on the wall or the mattress this time. Instead he placed his fist in his mouth and bit down as he cried out, practicing for fatherhood. I got up to pee during the night and saw my dress on the floor making me smile; it really did look amazing on the carpet.

I made my mother pick me up and drive me next door to Rose's house because I wore heels with my squiggle dress. I was excited for the party and hoped my bladder could make it through the night. Rosalie had everything decorated in tan and soft blue. The cake was a pair of booties and the food consisted of various finger items cut into odd shapes. I loved her.

I didn't have control of the guest list, which led my mother to invite anyone with a vague memory of me, but was a friend of hers. My second grade teacher came, just to see if I had finally molded into a square. I was curious to see if she ever got the weird red birthmark that looked like a hickey removed from her neck…she hadn't.

Our neighbor came, and announced to everyone I peed on her porch swing when I was little. I didn't think anyone was home and when her elderly father in an oxygen mask opened the door I thought a monster was going to kill me.

Esme showed up with Sues and Lauren. "Did you get hold of Jake, barf?" I asked Lauren.

"I didn't have enough nerve," she said sadly and I grabbed the phone.

"S'up," he answered and I looked at Lauren. "You sure?" I asked her and she nodded.

"You busy tonight?" I asked him.

"Who's your man sleeping with now?" he chuckled and I looked at Lauren again to make double sure.

"I want to introduce you to someone, come by Rose's house about nine. She cute and sweet and shockingly interested in you," I said with a bit of bile rising.

"Has she seen me before?" he asked a little confused.

"Oh yeah, she's seen you," I laughed and hung up so I could go first.

I looked at Sues and she held out a large gift, "I got you a really good present, Bella," she said with a shaky voice.

"Oh Sues, you didn't have to do that, just having you here is present enough," I said and hugged her tightly. I put my arm in hers and pulled her into the family room. I could have sworn she was pulling against me.

I sat in my special rocking chair with a big smile on my face until Alice walked in. She brought Eric, which was great, but also a guest. I began working on bringing up a loogie as Alice introduced her sister-in-law, Analise.

"Hay, y'all," she said and I replied too loudly.

"Hey," I yelled back.

She looked at me and smiled, "How ya doin' suga? Yur as pretty as a flowa."

"There isn't a pond around here," I said and narrowed my eyes at her.

"No, there's the entiyer ocean," she replied and I gasped loudly.

"What's going on, Bella?" Alice asked with her terrified northern voice. Did she not understand we won?

"Where's the love and the fun games," Eric asked, feeling he was finally one of the girls and missing out on the experience. He pulled a chair next to mine and I placed my hand on the chair on my other side.

"Sues, sit by me," I said and she sat down with one whole ass cheek falling off the chair as she tried to sit as far from me as possible.

"Do you look disgusting naked?" Eric asked and Sues leaned a little to hear the answer.

"No, Edward, ah, still wants me," I said proudly and noticed Analise look me up and down. I would get up and poke her in the eye if I wasn't so afraid of farting.

We played a few games and when they had to cut off string to guess the circumference of my belly I cheated by not making my string actually touch together. Sues saw me, but I held up my fist in warning and she kept her mouth shut.

It was finally time to open gifts and I wanted to dive into the pile, but Rose made each person hold the gift they brought on their lap and I had to pull a number from a bowl and that person would bring me the gift.

I pulled a six first and my mother squealed and brought me a bag. I looked in to find tons of little t-shirts. I pulled out the first and it said, I luv Grandma, the next said, I luv Grandpa, then, Take me to Grandma's, Grandma thinks I'm special, If all else fails call Grandma. Finally, a coupon book for free babysitting…by Grandma.

Esme got me a car seat, Rose got me a stroller, Alice got me a breast pump that totally confused me, and Eric got me something called a Baby Bjorn, so I wouldn't lose my child by setting him down and forgetting to pick him up again.

I finally called out Sues' number and she handed me the present as I smiled at her kindly. "You really shouldn't have," I said and tore off the paper. I looked at a baby emergency kit filled with everything you would need if your baby got sick or injured. "What are you trying to say, Sues?" I said angrily.

"N…n…nothing," she said and began to shake. "Every parent should have one."

"Bella, that is actually a really great gift, and very expensive," Rose pointed out so I threw my arms around Sues as she tried to duck.

I called another number and Analise stood and walked toward me. I took the small box from her hand and asked, "Did you return my husband's virginity?"

"Bella," Alice yelled. Eric got tears in his eyes and Sues stared at the box with hope. Esme looked at Analise with the rage of a mother bear.

"Would you like to step into the other room," Analise asked and I noticed her accent came and went just like her brothers.

"Say no, Bella," Eric whispered because he wanted to find out if the box really did contain Edward's, ah, virginity.

"He was a child," I said and Esme's face was turning purple.

"I can promise you he was not the innocent he pretended to be," she said as she tried to keep her voice down in a circle of women leaning closely to hear…oh, and Eric.

"When a college boy swims naked and drinks too much it doesn't mean he wants sex," I said loudly.

Rose laughed and everyone turned to look at her, "It kind of does, Belly."

"Did he tell you he stole my clothes and hid them, and even though he was naked he managed to have condoms? Analise said back just as loudly.

"He only flirted," I said and looked at Esme for support.

"Well, he flirted with a high hard one," she said and crossed her arms.

"What does that mean?" I asked since I didn't speak southern.

Eric put his hand to my ear and whispered, "An erection." Hum…that really did sound so much better than dangler.

Esme finally stood and spoke very softly, "I'm not comfortable with this conversation, excuse me." She left the room and my own mother quickly followed her.

"Maybe you should have Edward come over and settle this," Sues suggested.

"Why don't you run next door and give him a bath and then bring him over Sues," I said cynically and she quickly stood so I grabbed her arm. "Don't make me go all deliverance on your ass."

"I'll go get him," Eric offered and I sighed and fell back into my rocking chair. I was going to have to realize everyone wanted my guy, but I had him, so I needed to let Analise and her child molestation go.

There was a knock on the door and Alice opened it to reveal Jake, barf, standing looking anxious. "You have one hour Lauren, and then your ride is leaving," I told her and she walked toward her date with trepidation.

Rose served the cake and we were all getting along great until Edward, ah, walked in. There was a reverent hush over the house. He gave his mom a kiss and then looked around the room. "What's wrong?" he asked.

Everyone turned to look at Analise except Sues, who was inching her way closer to Edward, ah. His eyes froze on Jasper's sister and he mumbled, "Oh dear Lord."

"That's just what you said ten years ago," she teased and I held my plastic fork a little tighter.

"How are your parents?" he asked appropriately and his mother beamed with pride at her son's use of his manners.

"They send their love," she said and that was the final straw. I was not putting up with the Whitlocks sending their daughter to love my husband. I jumped up and Edward, gah, quickly grabbed me around my massive waist and pulled me into the other room.

"You seriously can't be jealous of Analise, my God, look at her," he demanded and I finally looked at her with clear eyes. She was tall and lanky with no curves, her hair had no shape and her front teeth stuck out just a bit… and of course the freaky eyes.

"Okay, now I need to know why?" I said and watched Edward, ah, smile at me.

"I wanted to have sex, and she was there. She wouldn't want a relationship and lived far away in case it turned out badly. If you keep pushing this, I'm calling Riley," he threatened and I snapped out of my possessive mood.

"Come see what I got," I said and pulled his arm to see the gifts. Sues got him a piece of cake and Eric got him some punch, causing Edward, ah, to move closer to me. I picked up the box Analise handed me and opened it to find a silver rattle. It was round with blue crystals embedded in the handle. It kept me mesmerized for several moments and Sues took advantage of my shiny object distraction to get a napkin and wipe Edward's, ah, mouth as her own lips trembled.

I thought baby showers were fun, but Edward, ah, found them terrifying.


	15. Chapter 15

Name: Tilt

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter: 15

**Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight Characters, no matter how weird I make them.**

* * *

Chapter: 15

Time suddenly stopped. Days lasted years and all I wanted was Budge to budge. I would pay top dollar to anyone who could get my baby the hell out of my body. I had a suitcase packed, a nursery ready and waiting, a stressed husband, and a raging case of hemorrhoids.

"Stay in today," Edward, gah, said, "A storm is coming."

I looked at him with my round swollen face and glared. Where did he think I would go? Budge was riding so low my entire lower back ached, so going anywhere was out of the question. Edward, ah, gave me a long kiss and said, "It will be over soon, I promise. You're due date is in eight days."

"Why do you hate me so much?" I said as I pushed him away. He chuckled and left out the door and I instantly regretted not saying goodbye properly. I called his cell and it wouldn't ring. I finally called Rose and she told me the wind blew down a cell tower and I would have to call Edward, ah, on his land line at the club.

In less than half an hour the wind began to really howl. Edward, ah, called to check on me and said the club had lost power. I assured him the house was fine and he told me he would sleep at the club instead of fighting the storm to make it home. I made sure the dogs were inside and locked the doggie door.

I took a long bath and read my book on delivery once again before the lights began to flicker. "Great," I moaned and started the fireplace in case I lost lights. I snuggled in the luv sack with Hoser and Sami and listened to the rain which eventually turned into snow, until I feel asleep.

I woke up feeling like someone stabbed me with a knife. I grabbed my stomach and cried until the feeling passed. "No, Budge, not now" I said and tried to make my way to the phone. Just as I picked up the receiver my water broke.

I was wearing a nightgown and stared at the puddle on the floor with shock. I felt my heart begin to race at the thought of going into labor without my husband. I quickly dialed Edward, ah, and realized there was no dial tone.

"Oh God," I cried and rushed to put on my coat to make it to Rose's house. I stepped out from the mud porch and was so blinded by snow I couldn't see the end of my deck let alone Rose's house. I turned to rush to the garage and another contraction hit me so hard I fell to the ground. My insides felt like they were being split apart and I knew things were happening too quickly.

When I was able to walk again I looked at the front of the house and saw a tree had fallen across the driveway. I was trapped without any way to get out. "Calm down, Bella," I told myself. Labor was supposed to last for hours. I could just lie down and Edward would be home at first light.

I went back to the luv sack and tried to calm down. When the next contraction hit I tried the Lamaze breathing. I realized the only thing it does is make other's look at your face instead of your splitting nasty. It didn't relieve my pain at all and soon I was simply holding my breath.

I rubbed my stomach and spoke softly to Budge, trying to let him know it would be okay and not to worry. Women had been having babies for centuries; surely it couldn't be that big of a deal. Two hours passed and the contractions were now three minutes apart. I was sweating and crying out each time they hit. I reached the point I wasn't sure I was going to live through this, but I had to make sure Budge did.

A loud knock came on the door and I yelled loudly for help. The door threw open and Emmett looked at me, dressed in his uniform and carrying a radio.

"Emmett, help me, my baby is coming," I cried.

He ran to my side and handed me his flashlight as he spoke on his radio, calling for an ambulance. There was tons of static on the line and I couldn't make out what was being said. He looked at me and explained. "Trees are down to Port Angeles so an Ambulance will have to come from Forks, but they are on calls so you'll be put on the list. Edward sent me to check on you, he can't get passed the fallen trees either."

I nodded and began to scream as the next contraction hit me. "Hey, Belly, no, no, no. You have to breathe through them. Look at me," he demanded and he took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. "With me," he said and did it again. I tried to match my pace with his and the next thing I knew the contraction was gone.

"I need some stuff okay; do you have a hot water bottle, scissors, twine, and a suction?"

"Um, Sues got me an emergency kit, it's in the nursery," I said and handed him the flashlight. He stood and I cried out again causing him to look at me in shock.

"Shit," he said and began breathing with me again. As soon as the contraction began to wane he stood and ran from the room. He returned with blankets, towels, and the kit.

"Have you timed the contractions?" he asked and I shook my head.

"Emmett, I feel the urge to push," I said through my tears.

"Belly, we're going to do this together okay. I need you to remove your underwear and place you feet on my shoulders."

"I'm telling Edward," I said angrily and he smiled. I couldn't believe he was trying to hit on me in my hour of need, not need like sexual need, but need like a policeman kind of need.

"There isn't one thing remotely sexy about you right now, so lift your feet and lets delivery your baby," he said and began placing towels under my legs.

We worked through another contraction and he stacked some pillows to place the flashlight just where he needed it. "Come on Belly, let me see."

I finally knew it was impossible to die of humiliation, because this would have been my demise. I was going to have to spread my legs for the one man on earth I hated more than anything. Big dumb Emmett was not only going to see my baby before Edward, but he was going to see my private squiggle. The only thing worse would be my father having to deliver my baby, no my father has seen my bottom half before, this was absolutely the worst.

"You better never repeat this to anyone," I warned and pulled off my jumbo maternity panties. I closed my eyes and put my feet on Emmett's massive shoulders and felt his hands spread my legs at the knees.

"Huh, you don't wax?" he said and I instantly let my feet drop.

"I'll deliver him myself," I said and tried to roll to my side when I screamed out in pain and had an almost uncontrollable urge to push.

Emmett grabbed my feet and put them back on his shoulders as he stared down at the task at hand. "Okay, honey, the next contraction you're going to push. I want you to grab the back of your thighs and raise your shoulders off the ground as you count to ten. I'm going to use resistance and massage your perineum to keep you from tearing."

I was going to ask him where he learned big words but when the pain hit I grabbed my legs and began to push. It felt oddly better and I hoped this part really did go faster, but I had to admit labor had gone pretty damn fast.

"Okay, again," he said and I repeated the process.

Emmett seemed to really know what he was doing and I was a bit grateful it wasn't Edward stuck here with me. He would be hiding in his office as I lay on the luv sack screaming bloody murder. The one weakness a lemniscates has is working with blood or a non sexual vagina.

I pushed for close to an hour and the pressure was unbelievable. I began another round of pushing when Emmett yelled, "Stop, stop, stop. Hold on, no pushing he's coming, he's coming, I got his head, don't push, Belly, here's a shoulder."

I felt a rush and all the pain and pressure stopped. I looked down to see my baby with a tiny dangler; I knew it, but he wasn't crying. Emmett grabbed a towel and quickly wiped his mouth and nose. He still didn't move or cry so he grabbed the suction and jammed it in his mouth to clear his airway. "Come on Trooper, you can do this," Emmett said and began massaging his chest. "Hey, be a Trooper big guy," he said and finally a loud wail came from my son. "That's a good boy, what a Trooper."

I collapsed onto the luv sack and sobbed with relief. Emmett placed my son on my chest and tied off the cord and cut it. He ran and got a pan of water to place on the fire before coming back to check on me. His face looked worried and he added more towels under my legs. I was so tired and finding it hard to keep my eyes open. I heard him radio for an ambulance to come immediately to my address and mention Chief Swan to add some urgency.

Emmett grabbed a sheet and ripped a long piece and held my arms around my son as he tied them into place. He poured the hot water in the water bottle and tied it around my arms. "Belly, I have to carry you to the road. It's cold out there so you hold on tight to your little Trooper and I'll try to keep you covered."

"You can't carry me," I said softly.

"Why do you think I have all this muscle, of course I can carry you," he smiled. I finally understood Emmett's obsession with working out and building muscle. He needed it to be the man who helped people.

I nodded and closed my eyes so he shook me harshly. "Hey, stay awake okay, don't you dare do this to Edward, do you hear me Belly, you stay awake and fight." His words surprised me and I had the feeling he was afraid I wouldn't make it. He wanted me to focus on Edward and fight for him.

"Am I in trouble?" I managed to ask with a soft whisper.

"Just a bit," he said and I felt the ground come out from under me as he carried us into the freezing snow and biting wind.

I could feel my baby crying but the howling wind drowned out the noise. Emmett moved quickly and I marveled at the sheer strength of the man. I did what he asked and focused on Edward, trying to imagine what his face would look like as he saw his son, the baby's head covered in dark hair and his strong jaw and wide mouth.

I became aware of flashing lights and felt hands pulling me from Emmett's arms. I wanted to thank him, for delivering my baby and helping him breathe, but I couldn't get enough energy to speak. I smiled at the realization I would be thanking Emmett for something. If I had a list of impossibilities, thanking Emmett for anything would have been at the very top. But now I owed him for every precious thing in my life.

"The baby was born at 1:32, he was a bit slow to respond but finally cried and kept good color," Emmett told the two men in the ambulance. "She's losing too much blood, most likely a burst vessel from pushing."

I was placed in the warm ambulance and when my baby was taken from my arms I couldn't find the strength to protest. The warmth of the ambulance coupled with the vibrations of the vehicle was putting me to sleep.

"Wake up," a voice was saying to me. "Mrs. Cullen, open your eyes." I felt a hand slap my face a couple of times. I struggled to respond, but my eyelids felt like bricks. "Tell me your baby's name," the young man asked to keep me alert. "Mrs. Cullen, what is your baby's name."

I took a deep breath and used all my strength to answer very softly. "Trooper, his name is Trooper."


	16. Chapter 16

Name: Tilt

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter: 16

**Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight Characters, no matter how weird I make them.**

* * *

Chapter: 16

Crap, crap, frickin crap, shit with two I's. Emmett named my baby. Emmett saved me and my son. Emmett earned my gratitude and got a look at my bandersnatch in the process. I wasn't sure life was worth living anymore.

There were a few perks to being Chief Swan's daughter, people still talked about me and called me weird, but they also made sure Charlie's weird daughter was well taken care of. I woke up in a recovery room surrounded by hospital staff. I was assured I was fine; baby was fine, the father was on the way, and my parents were waiting for me to wake up.

A cute orderly came to take me to a room. "You have to stay overnight and we are pretty full due to the storm, so you'll have to share a room for a few hours," he said as he pushed my bed down the hallway.

"I don't mind," I said to be a good patient, knowing Edward, ah, would most likely get me moved to Port Angeles when he arrived. "Can I see my son?"

"Sure, a pediatrician will be in to speak with you and a nurse will bring your baby as soon as you're settled."

He moved the bed back and forth as he worked to get it into a room. I looked over at the other mother and instantly shot out my arms to hold onto the door frame. "Oh hell no," I yelled as Jessica, vaginal echo, Stanley looked at me from the other bed.

"We don't have any spare rooms," the young man said with a bit of anger. I know I was being all accommodating before, but this was too much to ask. It wasn't like when I had to sit in English with her after deflowering my boyfriend, this was female bonding over our babies and I wasn't bonding with the woman Edward, ah, bonded with for almost two years.

"I'll lie in the hallway," I offered but the orderly ignored me and parked my chariot right next to the modern day version of the plague.

"Can you fix my pillow," Jessica asked and the young man walked over to adjust things as Jess let her obviously soreless nipples almost hit him in the face. I doubt she could breast feed. Surely calluses had build up from all the loggers roughly handling her areolas. I looked away, because I had seen her moves for years and could predict the hair twirl and giggle right on cue.

The young man left and the room was silent. The clock ticked and muffled sounds could be heard in the hallway. She finally blew out a loud breath and I held mine until the germs had time to pass my bed. "Are you seriously going to ignore me?" she asked.

"Seriously," I answered and went back to holding my breath.

"I'm so over Edward. I'm married and everything," she said and I spit all over myself as I looked incredulously at her.

"You broke him, Jess." I yelled and then got angry she got me to speak.

"You should be happy; if he wasn't broken you wouldn't stand a chance with him. Just hope he doesn't get fixed," she said and turned over in her bed to face away from me.

Her words sent a shock through me. I was so focused and Edward's, ah, ability to know I loved him, I never realized he would find me too strange if he learned to trust. I got the most amazing man in the world because he was broken.

I had nothing to do but lie there and think about it. A doctor came in to talk to me and I tried really hard to listen. "Do you want your son circumcised?" he asked.

"I don't know," I said honestly, not having brothers and never discussing it with Edward, ah.

"Most couples go with rather the father has been circumcised, so the child doesn't feel different," the doctor said. "Is your husband?"

"Um…maybe," I said softly and Jess yelled out loudly, "Yes, he is."

I nodded to the other bed and explained, "She's my husband's ex wife."

His eyes grew large and he leaned in to speak softly to me, "He married Jessica Stanley?"

"He's broken," I blurted out, as if it made any difference. Helen Keller would know to stay far from Jess; she would be able to just sense it. "My husband's on his way, can I decide later?" I asked the doctor and he nodded and left.

"Edward's coming here?" Jess asked and began running her fingers through her hair as if the sight of her would send him to his knees begging for her to return to him.

A nurse walked in at that moment pushing a glass crib with two babies lying practically on top of each other. I gasped and screamed for my son. He was going to do Scarlet, not Jess's mutant offspring. "It's okay," the stupid nurse said, "They've been together all morning."

"Can you give him a shot?" I cried and still had my hands out for my son.

Edward, ah, walked in carrying flowers and when he saw my face he quickly looked around the room. "This cannot be happening," he mumbled and walked over to pull the curtain harshly to separate us.

The nurse finally handed me Trooper and I pulled him close to stop the horror he had been living. "You're safe," I said and kissed him several times. I had totally forgotten Edward, ah, had not met his son yet and when he climbed onto the bed I looked up to see tears running down his face.

"Daddy, this is your son, Trooper," I said and handed him over.

Edward, ah, stared in awe and when Trooper began to cry he pulled him to his shoulder and patted him lovingly. The nurse came over after finishing with Jessica and said, "I'll help you feed him."

"No, that's okay, I'm going to breast feed, and I have two breasts," I said and really hoped she didn't pull out her tit in front of my husband. It was bad enough his old tit was right behind the curtain.

"I'll help him get started," she said and reached for my son.

"No, really, I'll get him started," I said in a panic.

"Honey, I'm a lactation specialist, it is my job," she pushed and I looked at Edward, ah, and began to cry. I gave birth at home without pain medication and Emtard front and center at my front and center, but having some nurse show my baby how to draw milk from my nipples was too much to take.

"Bella," he said calmly. "She is going to explain how you can get Trooper started feeding. She isn't touching you or Trooper."

Whew! "Oh, yeah, thanks," I said with a smile and she took a step away from me.

I pulled up my hospital gown and held my son in my arms and said, "Edward, ah, sing to me."

He sang very softly and Trooper nursed like, well, a Trooper. It was an odd feeling, but knowing I was making my son strong filled me with wonder. Edward, ah, laid his head on my shoulder and watched us with fascination. "Bella, I love the name Trooper," he said and I smiled.

"He's Trooper Edward Cullen," I announced and Edward kissed my shoulder.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there," he said to apologize.

"Under the circumstances, I'm glad it was Emmett and not you," I told him honestly. "It was ugly, and I'm not just talking about Emmett."

"You realize we have to move now," Edward said and I glared and pointed at the curtain.

"Hey," I said and leaned in close so he raised his head so I could speak directly into his ear. "Are you circumcised?"

"You can't tell?" he asked in shock.

"I don't know, is it really different?" I asked and wondered if there was a zipper or something. I reached over and pulled his jeans to look into his pants right when my parents walked in. Like I said, Sahara dessert, camel, doing a Bedouin, here comes daddy.

My mother rushed over to see Trooper, but my father wouldn't look at me as I fed my child or at Edward, ah, as I inspected his dangler, so he looked at the other side of the curtain and gasped loudly. "What kind of half ass outfit are they running here," my dad said and walked briskly from the room.

I knew things were going to change, my daddy was going to get Forks' favorite ride away from his baby and I never loved him more. Mike walked in and looked tired and sad. Edward, ah, looked down at his own fingers so he wouldn't have to see the same look he carried on his own face for so long. My mother took Trooper and walked around the small area as she cooed and talked to him.

I looked at Edward, ah, and wondered if he was getting fixed and wouldn't want me. He caught my stare and leaned in to kiss me. "Bella, are you happy?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered and felt just a hint of a lie in my word.

Rose and Emmett walked in and I burst into tears. Edward, ah, stood from the bed and walked over to give big Emmett a tight hug. Rosalie held me tightly and kept apologizing so it made me wonder what Emmett had told her.

"When you first called me I should have made you come to my house. I'm so sorry, Belly," she said as she wiped her tears. "I'll make it up to you, name it and it's yours."

I pointed at the curtain and nodded with my head for her to go take a look. She casually walked to the far side of the room and looked to her left. She walked back out of view and let her mouth fall open wide and then began laughing so hard she couldn't stop, so she ran into the hallway.

Emmett made his way to the bed and punched my shoulder. "You did amazing, Belly."

"You won't say anything, will you?" I asked with a soft voice.

"About the huge wart on your clitoris, never," he joked too loudly and I knew what I was going to ask from Rose now. Let's see how funny he can be without getting any for a month.

My mother finally relinquished rights to my son and Emmett took him in his arms. "What did you name the big lug?" he asked and I was so glad he didn't call him that earlier.

"You named him," I said and Emmett looked up at me and then quickly at Edward, ah. "His name is Trooper."

Emmett smiled and looked at my son with pride. "It fits," he said and finally handed Edward, ah, back his boy. Rose came in from the hallway and we sat around chatting about all the mom stuff we would do together. I glanced over to see Edward, ah, singing softly to Trooper and rocking him back and forth in his arms as he stood in the corner of the room.

He looked so whole, so content, as if all the pain in his life was gone, and I felt like he was slipping through my hands. It wasn't something I could explain, it was a tiny seed planted by Jessica of all people, and it was beginning to grow.

"Belly, are you okay?" Rose asked me.

"Yeah, I'm just really tired," I said.

Edward, ah, kicked everyone out so I could sleep and my father returned to inform me Jessica would be leaving soon. The nurse came for my son so he could be circumcised and Edward, ah, went with him for emotional support. Mike walked from their side of the curtain carrying a bag full of Jessica's stuff.

Jessica pulled the curtain so she could see me and I saw she was dressed to leave, and yeah, her ass was huge. "I just wanted to say I'm happy for you and Edward. He's always wanted a baby," she said and I hated that she knew what my husband always wanted.

"Edward, ah, wanted a faithful wife first," I said and Jess only laughed.

"Listen Bella, I'm saying this for your own good. I know I need to stop being so wild, but you need to stop being so loopy. We're mothers now, and we both need to change."

"Do you remember when we had to write a book report and you told me Mrs. Klein wanted it written backwards?" I said to remind Jessica I had to go to summer school because of her.

She laughed and nodded so I said, "I learned my lesson about listening to you." I didn't want her to know her words hit their mark. I was going to have to be as normal as possible to keep my husband and the idea saddened me beyond all explanation.

The nurse came in with a wheelchair and I finally asked for my own information. "What's your baby's name?"

"Natalie Newton," she said and I mumbled, "That's cute."

"What about yours?" she asked me and I wasn't about to let Nastyalie Newton know how to find my son.

"Bill," I said and she gave me a funny look and wheeled out of the room. I took advantage of the calm to rest. It felt like I had just dozed off when I felt Edward, ah, shaking me.

"Hey, momma, your son is hungry," he said and waited for me to sit up before handing me Trooper. I fed him as Edward, ah, sang and his song was upbeat and lighthearted. I fell back to sleep and didn't even stir when Edward, ah, took Trooper from my arms.

I was deep in lumberjack sleep for what seemed like hours and when I woke up Edward, ah, was rocking Trooper and talking softly to him. I was totally unconscious and both of my guys were fine without me. When Edward, ah, caught me staring he smiled.

"Does he need to eat?" I asked without returning the smile.

"He's not fussing yet. I think he is a very even tempered child, he seems happy with the world so far," Edward, ah, said and when my mind began reprocessing the words to mean Trooper was a square I immediately forced myself to stop.

Edward, ah, watched me for a moment and finally asked, "Bella, you look like you're about to cry. Is something wrong?"

My tears began to fall and I needed to cover so I said, "I just want to go home. I can't rest here."

He didn't point out I had slept most of the day, instead he assured me when the doctor came he would ask if he could take me home. Trooper began to stir and Edward, ah, brought him to me so I could feed him. I didn't like the way Edward, ah, watched me so closely and finally asked if he could get me a bottle of water.

He walked to the doorway and turned to look at me before heading out on his water quest. While he was gone I was brought a tray of food. The square tray was covered in tiny squares each containing a square of food. I tried to blink back the tears as I dutifully ate my squares.


	17. Chapter 17

Name: Tilt

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter: 17

**Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight Characters, no matter how weird I make them.**

* * *

Chapter: 17

When I got home I was too busy to worry about watching the words coming out of my mouth, or losing track of conversations, I was taking care of my baby constantly and Edward watched with love and pride when he was home.

The weather finally cleared enough for Carlisle and Esme to come see us. They were much happier about the name Trooper and commented on how healthy the baby looked. "I like how you rearranged this room," Esme said and I refrained from telling her the bloody luv sack had to be destroyed.

Carlisle took some pictures and then asked Edward to take one of them with me and the baby. Edward stood on the far side of the room and we all scooted close together. He held up the camera for a moment and then let it drop.

"Bella, are you okay?" he asked. My hand instantly rose to my mouth to see if I was indeed smiling and then quickly dropped again.

"I'm fine, I was smiling," I told him and didn't understand his confusion.

He quickly took the picture and began watching me closely for the rest of the afternoon. I was exhausted by the time he left for work. It took a lot of energy for me not to use any energy and remain as normal as possible.

I had bathed Trooper and had him asleep in his crib when Rose came over with ug…Emma. We sat at the table and I gave Emma some of the sidewalk chalk and a piece of paper to keep her entertained as we talked.

"Are you going stir crazy yet and needing adult conversation?" Rose laughed.

"Trooper is growing fast, I don't have time to miss anything," I said and smiled softly at her.

She watched me for a moment and then asked, "Are you going to help Edward at the club anymore?"

"Not for awhile. I'll go a few times to hear him sing, but he made me a CD for Christmas so I listen to his music a lot."

"I'm sure Jess will be back prowling around the club if you're gone," Rose said to bait me but I ignored the comment and took a sip of my coffee. She remained quiet and watched me, so I spoke to Emma.

"How's your baby doll, Emma?" I asked.

"Bebe," she said and smiled. "Ooper, bebe."

"She can't say Trooper yet," Rose explained. "She calls him Ooper."

"Do you want to go see baby Trooper?" I asked and stood to hold out my hand for hers. We walked slowly up the stairs as she managed the steps as if climbing a mountain. She giggled when we entered the room and she saw the baby asleep in the crib.

"Momma, bebe," she squealed and Rose laughed.

"I think it's time for another one," she said and we all watched Trooper sleep for a few minutes. "Bella, has it been hard?" she asked.

"No," I sighed, "He's a really easy baby. He eats and sleeps."

"If you want to talk about anything, I'm here, okay?" she said and I noticed tears in her eyes so I looked away.

When we went back downstairs they decided to head home so I gave Emma the chalk and watched them walk across the yard and into the darkness. It was exactly how my life felt, but Edward seemed so happy and so relaxed, almost like he was fixed now, so I vowed to continue on.

I had been up since five and trying to keep quiet so Edward could sleep in until at least nine. He got in late and tossed and turned throughout most of the night. He came walking down the stairs at seven.

"Did I wake you?" I asked with remorse.

"No, I thought I would spend some time with my son and let you have a day to yourself," he offered.

"Don't be silly. I have to feed him every three hours," I said and got a bowl for Edward to make some cereal.

"Use the breast pump and go to the mall, or out with your mom," he pushed and I wondered if he felt I wasn't taking care of Trooper like I should.

"If you want to help, I'll make you a list and you can run by the grocery store," I offered the make him feel like he was helping out.

"Great, um…Alice and Jasper are coming into town on Friday. I would love it if you came by the club. We can put Trooper in a portable crib and you would only have to stay for a bit."

"Sure," I nodded and began working on the list. Edward ate and watched me write. When I finished he took the list and left. I wondered if I could fit into any of my more stylish clothes, which consisted of jeans and a tight shirt. I went upstairs and tried on several outfits making sure to hang them back up after each consideration.

I was looking forward to a night out and to show off Trooper to the regulars in the club. When we pulled up the place was almost empty with just a few vehicles in the parking lot. "Did you close?" I asked Edward in shock.

He didn't answer as he got Trooper's carrier out and unlocked the back door to the club. It was dark and I followed Edward closely until he turned on the lights. "Surprise," everyone screamed and I jumped from fright as Trooper began to cry. The room was filled with our friends and family.

I looked at all the smiling faces and as my heart calmed and tried to figure out what was going on. There was nothing of importance in April… that I could remember at least. Jasper handed me a drink and I shook my head.

"Belly, you can pump and then have one drink," Alice said but I shook my head again in response.

Edward took my hand and led me to a chair at the end of a long table so I whispered," What's going on?"

"Bella," he said loudly. "This is an intervention."

I looked at the faces of those who knew me best and wondered if they truly believed I was on drugs. I had worked so hard to be a square and still failing. I felt tears fill my eyes and I said softly, "I'll try harder, I promise."

"Try harder at what?" Edward asked me. I let my head fall and refused to answer.

Emmett stood angrily and said, "I want you all to know I didn't do this. She was fine when I delivered that baby."

"Nobody is blaming you, Emmett," Alice said and I didn't have a clue what was going on, but refused to admit it. The door opened and Jake walked in holding Lauren's hand. I smiled and motioned with my head to the empty chairs.

"That's it," Edward screamed. "Who are you and where's my Bella?"

"Are you seriously going to ignore Jake?" my mother asked.

"I didn't ignore him, I nodded with my head at the empty seats," I said to defend myself.

"Why in the hell would you let him sit?" Eric asked and I felt like the last person in the world who got me didn't know me anymore.

"And Susan is here and you haven't said a thing to her," Jasper pointed out.

"I'm sorry, Hi Susan," I said as tears filled my eyes again.

"This is so spooky," Emmett said and walked off to lean against the bar.

"Honey," Esme said to clue me in, "We want the old Bella back. You seem so different and we miss you."

Surely I heard her wrong, Esme, the quintessential square was asking me to stop being so squarish? I looked at my husband and saw such sadness on his face, mixed with guilt; he looked….well, broken.

"You don't want me to act normal?" I asked the staring faces.

"Normal, why would you ever act normal?" Susan asked me and she really picked the wrong time to assert her assertiveness. How dare she assume I couldn't act normal, I could normalize anytime I wanted.

"Edward, ah, get me a rubber band," I said and Sues rushed back into her shell.

"Belly," Rose said angrily. "You added spice to my life. I could have lived with anyone, but I chose you because life is an adventure with you."

"You think on a deeper level," Alice said, "I have Jasper because of you and now we're expecting a baby. My child needs a crazy aunt Bella."

"You're pregnant?" I gasped and she screamed and jumped up and down.

"Stop," I yelled, "It might fall…..never mind," I added quickly.

"Bella," Carlisle said and the room became silent, even my bladder sucked up into my chest. "You were right; no good ideas ever came from someone sitting in a square. We're redesigning Cullen Corporation and I could use your help."

I had so many thoughts rushing through my head as my spirit did cartwheels around the room. I stood and looked at the waiting faces looking back at me before I verbally vomited across the table. "Jake, barf, get the hell out of here and take buggy eyes with you. Damn you Emmett, you named my son after an Isuzu vehicle, and I let you do it just because you broke my vagina with your massive stupidness. Rose, are you seriously going to have another baby with the mounted police idiot, isn't ugly Emma enough of a freak for you? Eric, the next time you kiss my husband show him your dick first. Sues, stop masturbating to the image of my man and put Ned Beatty on a diet. Jasper, either have an accent or don't, but keep your child raping sister out of the north. Alice, let a machine suck your own tits and leave mine alone. Mom, stop buying my son shirts with the word grandma on it. Carlisle, it is about damn time."

I spun around to face Edward, ah, and he actually shook a bit. "Your ex-wife told me the only reason I got you was because you were broken, and Trooper would fix you, so I would lose you. I was trying to be a square to keep our marriage together."

"Yeah, well, whores lie," he said boldly.

I jumped into his arms and kissed him very inappropriately as the room cheered. I was back; my time in square purgatory was over. Rose pulled on my arm to dislodge me from my hot guy who I longed to hear profanity from to say angrily. "My daughter is not ugly."

"I didn't say she was," I said and turned back to the kissing.

"You called her ugly Emma," she pressed and wouldn't give it a rest.

"I know, because it is her name, she is actually very cute, a little freaky with her mad skills, but adorable."

"Her name isn't ugly Emma," Rose said, getting way too fixated on a simple name.

"Then why did you name her that?" I smirked and pulled Edward, ah, toward the office.

I was ravenous in my desire for him. It had been way to long since Emmett got to see my squiggle and I really, really wanted to show it to my husband. I trusted my loved ones to watch my son as I did daddy and prayed my mom didn't write grandma with a marker on his baby gap outfit.

I pulled off my shirt and since a nursing bra isn't all that hot I pulled it off too. "Don't you want to make this special?" Edward, ah, asked with a hint of fear since it had been over two months since he pounded a wall.

I grabbed a pen and lay down on the couch, raising my arm over my head and putting a big X on the wall. "Ain't that special," I said and began removing my jeans. He finally caught the spirit of getting some during a party and quickly removed his own clothes.

Everything was so amazing, the feel of him, the smell of him, the size of him. I had worried that having a baby left me similar to the Lincoln tunnel, but damn if Edward, ah, didn't get bigger too. He suddenly pushed up on his arms and looked at me. "Are you crying?" he asked.

I opened my eyes to show him I was just fine, but if he wanted to cry, go for it. He looked down further and said, "Why is my chest all wet?"

I looked at his chest covered in lines of fluid and wondered if he was literally broken and leaking. He finally said, "Oh God, its breast milk."

I glanced at my still impressive jugs and saw milk leaking from my nipples. Edward, gah, was suddenly lactose intolerant and jumped from the couch…taking his tunnel tapper with him. I sat up in anger. "Your dangler leaks and I don't cry about it."

"I don't feed our child with my penis," he tried to point out but I felt he was missing the point…or rather I was missing the point, his point, really badly.

"We've licked whipped cream off each other and that is food I would feed my child. And remember at my parent's house when I took away your hangover by sucking you in the spare room. And there was that time I put strawberries on my..."

A loud knock sounded on the door and my father, using his cop voice, yelled, "We can all hear you out here."

Edward's, gah, dangler lost focus and began to dangle and my breasts shut off production, leaving us frustrated and too embarrassed to go back out into the club.

"Go tell them all to leave," I said and Edward's, gah, eyes got wide and he shook his head.

"You tell them," he whispered.

"Fine, lets dress and both go tell them," I said and put my clothes back on as my poor body sighed.

"Is your father going to kill me?" he asked with actual terror in his eyes.

"No, he'll just wing you," I said with a smile and opened the door.

Everyone was trying to ignore what they heard, except Sues who kept thrusting out her chest to show she had water tight floaters. Food appeared out of nowhere and drinks were flowing, so we finally relaxed and enjoyed the intervention, but stayed on the opposite side of the room from my father.

Trust in love was not something easily found no matter what shape you were, because love is the one thing that has no shape at all. It is a blob that fills you heart, terrifies your mind, and tilts your world on its axis, but because it has no shape it is up to the two people in love to define what it is. Edward's, ah, definition of love was loyalty, mine was acceptance, and we let it fill our souls and spill out into each other.


	18. Chapter 18

Name: Tilt

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter: 18

**Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight Characters, no matter how weird I make them.**

* * *

Chapter: 18

Epilogue

I stared at the teacher like she was talking a foreign language. Her description of Budge's behavior was making me proud, not upset. I couldn't understand why she wanted me to come to the school and meet with her. She had asked for a conference to discuss Budge's inappropriate behavior and I kept waiting for her to get to the inappropriate part.

"I never had this problem with Trooper," the teacher said and I laughed. Did she honestly believe just because they were brothers they were identical personalities? I was suddenly grateful I was an only child, because I would have hated to be a little bitch like my sisters.

"You realize they are two different children, right?" I asked her.

The woman tightened her jaw and said, "I asked for Mr. Cullen to come but he was out of town, perhaps we should wait for him to return for this conference."

God, I was sick of everyone getting all hot over my husband. I stood and picked up the end of the ribbon tied around four year old Dreamer's waist to leave. I didn't keep my daughter on a leash, but the ribbon worked better than giving descriptions to strangers every time she wandered off.

I walked into the hallway to see Budge looking sheepish and Trooper looking so much like his father I almost sent him in to talk to the teacher. I walked up to the boys and said, "Budge, until daddy talks to the teacher, stop coloring on your teeth."

He smiled up at me and asked, "Did you see the Hipposauraus I made out of clay? They live in the flat mountains."

Trooper shook his head and chuckled, so I refrained from asking to see it, I bet it was cool. We all climbed into the car and I asked what sounded good for dinner.

"Pepperoni tacos," Budge yelled. I had allowed it once and he asked for it every single night from that point forward….but it actually was kind of yummy.

"No," Dreamer said. "I want…." A passing bus caught her attention and she stopped talking.

"If we go to the Grand Buffet everyone gets what they want," Trooper pointed out and I smiled at my lemniscates son. He was my rock, just like my husband, able to understand his squiggle brother and his sister who was like a floating cloud, not a hard shape, but more of a slowly moving breath of air.

Edward, ah, was in Los Angeles at a small concert venue he was invited to perform at. Music was still his passion, but he never did it for the recognition. He sang once a month at the Cube, but mostly at the Driftwood, bringing in more and more clientele.

He managed to be present for the birth of Budge, and I didn't care if this time Jasper had to deliver him in the Pacific Ocean, I was naming my baby Budge and that was it. I showed up at the hospital and ordered an epidural during check in. Those things are freaking amazing, and I didn't almost bleed to death this time, proving it was all Emmett's fault last time. Edward, ah, was supportive but refused to look further south than my breasts proving he was indeed a northern man.

We waited four years after Budge before having Dreamer. She was so sweet and loved her daddy fiercely. If I ever spoke harshly to Edward, ah, Dreamer would burst into tears. "Don yewl at my daddy," she would say and cover his face with kisses.

Daddy screaming in the dark and pounding on the wall never seemed to bother her, but if I told him he forgot the trash she rushed to his rescue.

I realized it would not be Trooper having his way with Scarlet on the table, who incidentally was named Jasmine, when Budge came running through the house with Jasmine's panties on his head calling himself 'Super Pooper.' Jasmine cried with humiliation and Budge begged her to let him keep the panties.

Trooper was more into ugly Emma. She taunted him with her blonde curls and he was at her beck and call constantly. Their son Patrick was so much like Emmett and basically sat on the floor picking his nose for hours. The kid was fifteen months old and had absolutely no interest in walking when Rose finally admitted her son was not 'advanced'.

Carlisle was true to his word and redesigned Cullen Corporation. Each employee sat at a counter that looked like a big squiggle bar with filing cabinets above and below. They were free to interact with each other and nobody felt contained or stuck in a cube. Ideas were coming so fast and furious beating Microsoft became a regular occurrence.

Jessica got divorced from Mike and I ran into her at a town celebration in Forks. Nastyalie was wearing a short top exposing her midriff and had a temporary tattoo on the small of her back…and she was only ten. When I saw her staring at Trooper, licking her lollypop when he met her gaze, I pulled him from the game he was playing and said, "Don't you ever marry her, understand?"

Edward, ah, walked past the salsa booth where Jessica, CuntSwayLow, Stanley stood and he shuddered from head to toe. He tried really hard to forget that part of his life and was concentrating on keeping Dreamer from following a clown she happened to catch a glimpse of.

"Mom," Budge said to bring my attention back to our table at the Grand Buffett. "What color is this?" He tossed and tomato in his mouth and a slice of yellow pepper and chewed for a minute before opening wide.

"It's orange," I said.

He swallowed and said with a sigh, "I love the color orange."

"Red and Yellow will always make orange," Trooper said, "What other foods can you mix to make orange?"

I winked at my perfect boy, who was getting Budge to eat vegetables while teaching him the color wheel.

"Can I have…." Dreamer started and we all went back to eating until she refocused.

"Daddy comes home tonight," I said and Dreamer, still looking away said, "Ice cream," to finish her previous thought.

"Can we use the chalk and write messages to Dad?" Trooper asked and I nodded enthusiastically. As soon as we arrived home I got out the chalk and handed pieces to the kids.

Budge ran to the far end of the sidewalk and began drawing a snake all the way to the driveway. Trooper was asking Dreamer what she wanted to tell her daddy and she was giving him an entire dissertation in snippets as she watched a bird on a tree limb.

I drew hearts all the way down the driveway, connecting them with a long squiggle line. I walked back to read Dreamer's thoughts. _I miss you, Come home, I love you, _and finally, _I like ice cream_. Trooper wrote, _Dad, I listened and took care of mom. I like it when you are home. Emma is beautiful. _I laughed and wondered if he would be climbing out the windows in high school to sneak into her room.

I headed over to look at Budge's drawing and tried to keep a straight face when he pointed out various body parts of his father's inside the snake's belly.

The kids bathed and had on pajamas when Edward, ah, walked though the back door. He still managed to take my breath away. And he still managed to think it was a miracle I wanted him. Dreamer screamed and ran into his waiting arms. He tossed her in the air and hugged her tightly as his entire face lit up with joy.

"Dad, did you see our messages?" Budge asked.

"I sure did, it made me feel very welcomed," he said and made his way over to me for a kiss.

I held the collar of his shirt and let my hand move into his hair until Dreamer began to squirm and wanted down. "How was the concert?" I asked and he shrugged.

"Good, but I hate being away. I miss you guys too much," he said and pulled me into his arms.

"Dad, my teacher wanted to talk to you, but mom took care of it," Budge said and Edward, ah, groaned.

"I tried to take care of it, but she wants to talk to you. I bought a new box of rubber bands," I told him and he only chuckled, still oblivious to the women panting for him…and Eric.

"What did he do?" Edward, ah, asked.

"He colored his teeth with his crayon and I don't see anything wrong with having orange teeth. I mean, it is only wax after all and a child should be able to have whatever color of teeth he wants."

"Budge, you can color your teeth at home, but at school only color what the teacher tells you to color," Edward, ah, said to solve the problem. "Trooper, there are some surprises in my suitcase, and Dreamer, your juice box is dripping."

He pulled my hand up the stairs and into the bedroom before locking the door behind us. "Bella, are you happy?" he asked and I moaned as I nodded emphatically letting my entire body lean into his. "Do you love me as much as the day we met?" he asked and I kissed his neck and answered again with a moan. "I have a gift for you," he said into my ear.

"Call it what you want, just get it out," I said and he laughed before pushing me back and stepping away about a foot. He reached in his pocket and pulled out an orange squiggle pen. I felt like Dreamer as I screamed and reached for the pen. He quickly pulled it back out of my reach and shook his head.

"You know what you have to do for this," he said and I pushed him back onto the bed and began taking off his clothes. He didn't try to help me, only laid there and allowed me to strip him bare. I began removing my clothes and he raised his head to watch my every move.

I finally got onto my knees to straddle him and let my hair fall around his head. He reached up to hold my hair from my face and I noticed how he was breathing fast and moving under me as he stared into my eyes. I closed my eyes and he called out for me and I looked at him again. "Look at me," he said with a lot of difficulty.

I kept my eyes open and watched his face as he strained to keep control. "Edward, oh my God," I said as he continued holding my face.

"Don't look away," he said as he gasped loudly. "I want you to see it."

"See what," I cried as my own sounds got very loud.

"My eyes, because I finally know you will never cheat on me," he said and arched back as his entire body went rigid but he manage to keep looking at me.

"Ah God," I screamed loudly and his hands fell from my face and pounded on the mattress. It wasn't profanity he screamed this time; it was assurance, absolute certainty of my love for him, and that I would never cheat.

It sent me over the edge and into total shock as the words, "Mother effer so effing good!" left my mouth and echoed throughout the house as I pounded on the wall over Edward's, ah, head. We looked at each other in stunned silence and then both screamed with laughter.

After all these years, I was still such a whore for a squiggle pen.

The End.

**The third part of the trilogy is 'Drift' **


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